Episode 50: The Real Reasons You’re Feeling Anxious, Lonely, or Powerless

Have you ever tried to run someone else’s life… and ended up running yourself into the ground? 🙋‍♀️ Been there. In this week’s episode, I talk about the sneaky way we step out of our own business (with the best intentions!) and why it leaves us anxious, lonely, and powerless. Plus, how to step back into the one place you actually do have power—and find so much more peace there.

Come join me for 8 weeks of 1:1 coaching and trade guilt and self-doubt for peace, confidence and purpose.  Now is the time, my friend!  Learn more at www.emilyrickscoaching.com/coaching.

Full Transcript:

You're listening to the Think New Thoughts podcast with Emily Ricks, episode number 50, the real reasons you're feeling anxious, lonely, or powerless.

I'm Emily Ricks and this is Think New Thoughts, a life coaching podcast to help you find more joy in your relationships. In each episode, I'll share a simple idea that will help you see things in a new way so you can love God, your neighbor, and yourself more deeply than you ever have before. If you're ready to literally change your mind, I think you'll like it here.

So I love private coaching. I love doing one-on-one sessions with my clients and seeing them grow and discover new thoughts that are truer and more joyful than the old ones they were believing.

It's life-changing work for them and also for me. I want to share a testimonial from one of my clients. This is from Jenny.

She said, Emily has been a life changer for me. She is so gifted in guiding me to sort through and break down unhelpful thought patterns that have been plaguing me for years. Now when those thoughts and emotions pop up, I can recognize them, acknowledge them, and purposely replace them with healthier and more helpful thoughts.

I feel much more satisfied and fulfilled with my life. Thank you, Jenny, for that beautiful testimonial. It really is a privilege to get to do this work.

Here's what another client said about private coaching. This is from Shelby. I feel heard by Emily.

I never feel like I have to hold back a part of me. She asks just the right questions to guide me to my own awareness and answers. By the end of the session, I always feel closer to heaven because I'm more open to God's love for me and those around me.

I go back to my day in a much more positive headspace than what I went into the session with. This better headspace allows me to be more of who I desire to be. Thank you, Shelby, for being willing to share that.

You know, I really do believe that a one-on-one coaching session is a sacred space. At the Christian Coach Institute, my teacher Janice Fletcher would always say, you show up and God shows off, right? Like you as the coach show up to the session, ask the questions, help with the exploration, and God will give your client the insight that they need. And I have truly experienced that, and it's really cool to be a part of.

So if you are craving change in your life, if you're ready to break free from cycles of guilt, self-criticism, or resentment, I want to invite you into my eight-week private coaching program for Christian moms. You'll learn how to notice the thoughts that are wearing you down, discover new ones that lift you up, and you'll learn simple practical skills that will help you keep loving, serving, and showing up for your people without the burnout. By the end of this program, you'll feel calmer, more centered, and more joyful, and your family will feel the difference too.

If you feel like you've been running on empty and you're ready for that to change, go to emilyrakescoaching.com, click work with me, and set up a free call to see how eight weeks of private coaching could seriously change your life. Okay, on to today's topic. There is something we often do as humans that makes us miserable.

It creates all sorts of negative emotions for us, and yet most people do it all the time, over and over, day after day. Do you know what it is? We concern ourselves with things that actually are not our business. Let me tell you what I mean.

Byron Katie says, I can only find three kinds of business in the universe, mine, yours, and God's. Much of our stress comes from mentally living out of our own business. When I think you need to get a job, I want you to be happy.

You should be on time. You need to take better care of yourself. I am in your business.

She says, when I'm worried about earthquakes, floods, war, or when I will die, I am in God's business. If I am mentally in your business or in God's business, the effect is separation. She has an example.

If you think a thought like, my mother should understand me. Imagine that thought, my mother should understand me. She's over there living her life, and you are mentally over there trying to live her life.

When you do this, you're going to end up feeling separate from yourself because you've stepped out of your business and into someone else's. That's what she means. If I'm mentally in your business or in God's business, the effect is separation.

Three kinds of business, yours, mine, and God's. Let's take a look at the misery we create for ourselves when we step out of our own business. There are lots of ways that we try to live mentally in what is actually other people's business.

Any kind of a should we put on someone else is a clue that we are living in their business rather than our own. This is how you should be. This is what I need you to do or say so I can be happy.

I talked about this in episode number 27, manuals create misery. In life coaching, we call it having a manual for someone else. Pages and pages of shoulds for how you think someone else should live.

We do this because we believe that if they change, we can finally be happy. When you have manuals for someone else, when you're mentally living in their business, you end up manipulating or pressing to try to get what you want. Maybe you nag, maybe you give the silent treatment or explode when people don't do what you want them to do.

But in the end, it's actually not your business. How other people choose to be your business is you. So when you feel frustrated or anxious or mentally exhausted, that's usually a little alarm clock that lets you know that you're mentally living in someone else's business.

Pounding your fist on the manual of how you think they should be. And it's hopeless. So shoulds about how other people should live their lives, that's mentally living in their business rather than in your own.

And you can hang on to as many shoulds as you want to. I just want to point out that they create misery for you and don't create change in another person. So there is zero upside to pounding your fist on the manual.

Another way this kind of thinking can show up is anytime we think we know what's best for another person. When we think we know what they need, what decisions they should be making, what they should stop doing. Byron Katie says, to think that I know what's best for anyone else is to be out of my business.

Even in the name of love, it is pure arrogance. And the result is tension, anxiety, and fear. So when we claim to know what's best for another person, even in our own mind, we are mentally living out of our business.

And I'm just going to tell you, when I first heard this idea, I didn't like it. I was like, what? What about with my kids? You're saying it's not my business, what they choose. You're saying I'm stepping out of my business if I think I know what's best for my kids.

So if that's how you feel right now, hearing this, I want to invite you to really consider this. It took me a while to warm up to, because as a mom, I care about teaching my kids the ways of God. I care about teaching them to care for their bodies, to develop healthy habits.

I value our church and our youth group. I want them to do well in school, all of these things that many parents want for their kids. And when I first heard this idea, I was like, okay, yeah, maybe it's not my business.

How other people choose to raise their kids. I can let go of that. Maybe it's not my business.

If someone wants to get into an argument online or wear something in public that I wouldn't wear. Okay. I can see how letting go of that would lighten my emotional load, but it is my business.

What my kids do, the choices they make, how they spend their time. Like it felt so irresponsible to me to be like, well, who cares what these kids do? It's none of my business. Like that felt apathetic to me, disinterested, detached, like not how I want to be as a mom.

But I will tell you that once my oldest became a teenager, it got harder and harder for me to be able to find joy in my motherhood. While I was trying to control everything he ate, watch, said, texted, thought about, or chose to do. I felt so anxious when I was mentally living in his business and so powerless because no matter what rules or consequences I applied, I couldn't really achieve control over his choices, which is what I really wanted.

I couldn't turn in his schoolwork for him. I couldn't value things for him that he didn't value the time that I spent mentally living over in his business, wanting to make choices for him, clinging to the belief that as his mother, I was responsible to make sure he made all the choices I would want him to make. That was one of the most unhappy periods of my life.

I was anxious. I was lonely. I was terrified and I felt powerless and out of control.

I felt angry and disrespected so much of the time. And this is when I really started applying the tools of life coaching that I had started learning at this point in my life. And this idea of staying in my business transformed my parenting and my relationship with my oldest son.

And subsequently my relationship with all of my other kids. I still care about their lives and their choices. I still want to help them and support them and teach them what I believe and what I value, but I feel so much less anxiety and loneliness and powerless now than I once did.

And it's because I can see now what is my business and what is their business. I used to think I knew what was best for my kids and that it was my job to get them to live their lives in the way that I thought was best. And I don't believe that anymore.

I believe it's their business to find out what is right for them. And that my business is to check in with God regularly to find out what's right for me and to be a support and a resource for them as they make choices and figure out who they want to be. Byron Katie says, do I know what's right for me? That is my only business.

Let me work with that before I try to solve your problems for you. So let's take a little tangent here. I want to talk about control versus influence specifically when it comes to parenting, but this is applicable really to any relationship in your life.

Control over another person is an illusion. You can think you have it, but you never actually do. You can maybe push hard enough and threaten or manipulate to get someone to do what you want them to do, maybe, but you can never control how someone thinks.

So what I have found to create more joy in my relationships is to intentionally trade the idea of control and the desire for control to trade that for influence. So as a mom, that looks like, okay, it's your decision to make, but I'd love to talk about it with you. I'd love to hear your process and possibly share my perspectives on it and support you in this, but ultimately it's up to you.

It's 100% your choice in your life. And in the process, I might ask questions like, okay, what decision are you going to make? Or what do you think is really important here? What do you want to take into consideration before you make your decision? My business is to listen and share and show up. Their business is to decide who they want to be, what texts they will send, what words they will say to their friends, what music they'll listen to, what they will do in their free time, what they will think in the corners of their own minds.

I can't control that. And when I've tried to, it weakens our relationship and decreases the amount of influence I'm able to have in their lives. It's an inverse relationship.

When I let go of control, I get more influence in the equation. If I cling to control and seek for it, I get less influence, less connection, less opportunity to be part of their experiences because they don't want to be around someone who's trying to control them. And I get it.

I don't like that either. Trying to control someone else is stepping out of my business and into theirs. Now you might say, well, it is my business how someone else treats me.

It is my business. If someone says something super rude or does something dangerous, the principle here is your business is how you choose to respond. That's it.

Their actions. Yeah. They're going to have an impact on you, but if you step over into trying to control them, if you decide that your frustration and your anger is because of their actions and you try to get them to change so you can feel better, you will step out of your business and into anxiety, misery, and hopelessness.

Another facet of this, another way we step out of our business and into someone else's is when we want to control how other people feel. And sometimes this can be well-meaning and it actually can sound really nice, like really kind. I just want her to be happy.

I don't want her to feel bad. I don't want him to get upset with me. I want them to feel loved.

But notice, even if you intend to be kind, that these type of statements pull you out of your business and into theirs. I don't want her to think I'm selfish. I don't want them to judge me.

I'm telling you all of this creates misery. You can think any of these thoughts if you want to, but notice how you feel when you are trying to control someone else's emotions, you will most likely feel out of control, anxious, and worried because you can't control how anyone else feels. I truly believe the most loving, the most kind thing you can do is to stay in your own business.

It's much more peaceful there. When you're not trying to control someone else's emotions, you will most likely show up with actually more kindness and more love than you do when you're anxious and worried about how somebody else is going to feel. Okay.

So three types of business, mine, yours, and God's. Let's talk about God's business. Here's how you can know if you've stepped out of your business and into God's.

First of all, you won't feel peace. And that inner conflict will be created by thoughts like, this isn't fair. This shouldn't be happening to me.

Why would God let this happen? Does he not love me? Notice that all of these are about God's business, what he does or doesn't do, how he feels. When you feel emotionally off, notice whose business you're in and see if you can step back into your own business. If you're facing something really challenging, the loss of a loved one, a diagnosis, a tragedy, it's understandable that you will have questions.

You might wonder where God is and what it means that this is happening to you. But fixating on those questions, asking them over and over in frustration will bring you no peace. The beauty of this verse comes to my mind as I think about the power of staying in my business rather than mentally living in God's business.

And it's so simple. Be still and know that I am God. Trying to get God to change your circumstances in order to prove his love for you is hopeless.

That's living in his business. And the result is misery and separation from him. Instead, when you are facing something really challenging, I want to encourage you to live in your business.

You do that by asking questions like, who do I want to be as I go through this? What can I learn as I'm suffering? How can I notice the ways that God will make this work together for my good? How can I cultivate gratitude for the gift of life even when things are really hard? When we get into God's business and we're sure that things aren't fair or that they shouldn't have happened or that he doesn't love us, we step out of gratitude and into fear, resentment, and loneliness. So the next time you're feeling anxious or lonely or powerless, try asking yourself this question. Whose business am I mentally living in? God's business, someone else's business, or my own? That question can bring you back to yourself and it can bring you back to peace.

Staying in your business is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself and actually one of the kindest things you can do for the people around you as well. Thanks for joining me today. I'll talk to you next week.