Episode 44: The Mote and the Beam

Do you ever find yourself super annoyed by someone else’s faults? Like, if they would just stop doing that one thing, your life would be so much easier? In this episode, I'm sharing a simple coaching tool to help you live Jesus’s teaching—to not fixate on the "mote" in your neighbor's eye, but to gently remove the "beam" from your own. If you're willing to try it, you'll be amazed at how much lighter and freer you can feel! 

Full Transcript:

You're listening to the Think New Thoughts podcast with Emily Ricks, episode number 44, The Moat and the Beam.

I'm Emily Ricks and this is Think New Thoughts, a life coaching podcast to help you find more joy in your relationships. In each episode, I'll share a simple idea that will help you see things in a new way so you can love God, your neighbor, and yourself more deeply than you ever have before. If you're ready to literally change your mind, I think you'll like it here.

Hello! Welcome back to Think New Thoughts. Today I want to share a teaching of Jesus from the New Testament with you, and then I'm going to share a coaching tool that helps me to actually live this teaching.

That's one of my favorite things about coaching, is it has given me some concrete tools that I have been able to use that help me to live the gospel better. So that's what I want to share with you today. So the teaching comes from Matthew chapter 7, verses 3 through 5. In the King James Version, here's what this reads, Why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye, and behold, a beam is in thine own eye.

Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye, and then thou shalt see clearly to cast out the mote of thy brother's eye. Okay, so I like the NIV translation of this scripture because it helps me understand a little bit more what the mote and the beam is talking about. So let me read what that says.

Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, Let me take the speck out of your eye when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you'll see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. Okay, so I love the speck of sawdust versus like a plank of wood. That's what the mote and the beam means, right? And so I like to think of it as a speck and a plank, just because that's a little easier for my brain to understand.

So we've got over here, this person that I'm looking at and thinking they have all these faults has this teeny little speck of sawdust in their eye. Meanwhile, I have like this giant wooden beam, right? I need to take that out before I'm going to see clearly to be able to help them if that's what I want to do. Okay, so that's the teaching.

Now I want to share a coaching tool that has helped me to live this better. Helped me be able to actually figure out how do I become aware of the plank in my own eye instead of focusing on the speck of sawdust in somebody else. Okay.

So I learned this at the life coach school. That's one of the places that I have a certification from Brooke Castillo. And she was also influenced by the work of Byron Katie.

You can go to her website. It's the work.com. And she has a worksheet called the judge or neighbor worksheet. And that's kind of where this exercise comes from.

The version that I'm going to share with you is a little bit more simple, has fewer steps. Okay. So here's a simple exercise you can do.

It's called person of focus. And this is something you can use when you are frustrated or annoyed or angry, or really fed up with somebody in your life. You're going to sit down and do this exercise and you're going to judge them.

Okay. And don't hold back. You're going to let all the ugly judgments out of your head.

All the things you're thinking about them, the stuff you wish they would do differently, the things that you're frustrated about. You're going to just write all of those down on a piece of paper. And when you do this, don't edit yourself.

Don't try to be appropriate. Don't try to be kind. Don't judge yourself and be like, Oh, I shouldn't think that.

Like, that's not very nice. You're just going to get all of the judgments that you have, get them all out on paper. Okay.

So when you do that, write down the mean things that you want to call them, write down the labels, write down the complaints. You know, this person is lazy. They're rude.

They're harsh. They're critical. They don't respect me.

They never listened to me. They complain all the time. They blame other people for their problems.

Okay. You're going to write everything out, write the frustrations that you have. That's step one.

And then step two is, and let me just say, this is actually very simple. It's easy to do because if you're like most people, these judgmental thoughts just kind of come. It's part of being human that we do make judgments and part of being a disciple of Christ, part of being an intentional person is saying, Oh, that's what's coming naturally.

But how am I going to shape that and choose to interpret this situation or to view this person? Right. But what I noticed a lot of the clients that I work with, even doing something like this, they're like, Oh, well, I don't want to think that I don't want to, I don't want to feel that way. I don't want to be like that.

And so they, they resist it and they press it down. And the problem with that is that we can't gain awareness or leverage of our own judgments. If we're constantly talking ourselves out of them.

Oh, I don't want to think that, Oh, that's bad. Oh, that wouldn't be okay. And so this might feel really different than something you've ever done before, but I really want to invite you into it because like I said, you can get awareness, which then leads to leverage.

Okay. So you sit down, you write down all your ugly thoughts, all your judgments of this person who's driving you crazy. And then the next step is you go back through the list and you notice how many of these judgments also apply to yourself.

Okay. So we're now starting to shift the person of focus from me looking at the speck of sawdust and someone else's eye and me starting to become aware of the plank of wood in my own eye. So you go back through the list with just like a different color, a highlighter or pen or something.

And you're going to circle the ones that you think, you know what, that's actually true about me too. Okay. And you're probably like, Emily, why would I do this exercise? This sounds terrible.

Well, you don't ever have to, if you don't want to, it's just one of the most freeing, empowering things you can do when you feel frustrated. So stay with me for a second, because if you're a person of focus is someone else and you're frustrated about what they're doing, unless you find the secret serum that makes you powerful enough to control how they choose to live their life and what they choose to say and do, you're going to be frustrated forever. But if you can shift the person of focus to yourself, if you can go from looking at the speck of sawdust in their eye to understanding the plank of wood in your own eye, that's when you can start to feel a lot better without needing to find a magic serum that gets them to change.

You don't need that because your focus is in a different place. So if you're brave enough to do this, it will change your life. I'm serious.

Okay. So you judge the other person, you write it all down. You don't hold back.

And this is going to be things like they should help with the dishes. They shouldn't be so selfish. They think they're better than everyone.

They should compliment me more. They're lazy. They're rude.

They're harsh. They're critical. They don't respect me.

They never listened to me. They blame other people for their problems. Okay.

All of those judgments. Then you're going to circle the ones you take a step back. You're going to circle the ones that apply to you.

Huh? I guess in this situation, I'm kind of being critical when I'm criticizing them. I'm kind of being harsh with them. Oh, interesting.

I'm blaming them for how I feel. And I'm annoyed that they're blaming other people for how they feel. But I'm actually kind of doing that when I'm frustrated with them.

Huh? I'm complaining about their complaining. That's the plank of wood in my own eye. Okay.

I see. So then, and this is really, really important. When you start to notice the way that some of these judgments actually also apply to yourself, then you meet yourself with acceptance and compassion.

You get off the judgment train. You go, oh, that's why my eyes been hurting. Cause I have this huge plank of wood in it.

Like, and you don't say I'm an idiot or I'm a jerk or I'm a terrible person. You just say, oh, that's why I've been having trouble seeing clearly. That's why my eye hurts because I have this plank of wood in there.

All this judgment, all this negativity. So let's see if we can get this out. Total acceptance though.

I want you to imagine like, as you realize, you know, some of these judgments that I'm keeping on this other person actually also apply to me. They have shortcomings. Also, I do too.

I want you to imagine giving yourself this giant hug. Like, and that's okay. I'm a human being and human beings struggle with judgment and I'm a human.

So it's okay. I like to think of this too. Like Emily, I love you no matter what.

It's okay that you judge people sometimes and people who have wood chips in their eyes need compassion and help. And right now that's you. So let's give you some compassion and let's give you some help because you're having trouble seeing because you have a bunch of wood in your eye.

And this is the point too, where you can pray for God to help you see more clearly, but more judgment of yourself, right? If we shift the person of focus from them and we're judging them, and then we shift it to ourselves and then we judge ourselves, you're still going to be trapped in judgment. So that's my invitation is as you shift to yourself and start to notice, Oh, I think some of the negative things that I'm frustrated with them about, I think I'm actually doing some of those things too. And I love myself and I accept myself and it's okay.

All right. So, and that's, that's really it, right? Then from there, as you have awareness, then you can start to get leverage and you can say, Oh, maybe I want to approach the situation differently. Now that I've become aware of how I'm thinking and how I'm showing up, the leverage that I have in this situation is my own thoughts and my own actions.

I can't control what somebody else thinks and feels and does, but I can make adjustments on my side if I want to. And that's a really empowering feeling. That's not nearly as frustrating.

Okay. And so then there's another piece on, on the Byron Katie worksheet. If you want to add one more element to it, she has a statement at the bottom that says, I don't ever want.

And then you fill in like, what is the thing you don't ever want to experience with this person? Right. And so let's say that you were dealing with somebody who was complaining about their life and you're like, I don't ever want to hear them complain ever again. That's how it feels, right? When you make this judgmental list and you're just really frustrated, it's like, Oh, I don't want them to do that.

I don't want them to say that I don't want them to, you know, ruin my life in the way that whatever they're doing. And what she suggests is that you flip that. And instead of, I don't ever want this person to blank that you shift the thought to, I am willing, I am willing for this person to complain, or I'm willing for this person to say this negative thing.

I'm willing for this person. Right. And then instead of, I can't stand them.

I wish they would never do that again. It's like, Oh, I'm willing to have them do that as many times as it takes for me to learn to respond in a different way. And I was thinking about this recently.

So I like to play pickleball and I was playing pickleball the other day and across the way, there was a tennis coach and he had two girls. I think there were probably sisters and he was giving them like a private tennis lesson, just the two of them. And it was so interesting to watch.

So he's standing there and he's got this big hopper full of balls and he just keeps hitting it and hitting it and hitting it to them. And he hits it to one and he hits it to the other and hits it to one and he hits it to the other. And he's giving them all these tips and he's saying, you know, more with your elbow and more with your legs and do this and aim it like this and whatever.

And he's just ball after ball, after ball, after ball, after ball. And he had a really gentle tone to his voice and he was giving them lots of helpful feedback. And I was watching and being like, Oh my gosh, this is so cool.

And I was kind of chuckling because of course, in my brain, I'm thinking of this as a coaching analogy. And I'm like, yeah, this, I don't ever want this person to do this again. And the shift of, I'm willing to have them say these things and do these things as many times as it takes for me to learn how to deal with it.

It was like, Oh yeah. These girls were learning how to play tennis and their coach was giving a ball after ball, after ball. And so I'm thinking, right.

When you get to the point where you've done these judgments and your first thought is I can't stand it. And I wish they would quit. And then through the shift, you get to, I'm willing to have them behave in this way so that I can learn how to practice my backhand until I can hit it back over the net.

Right. I can have this person do and say these things, but I can show up with love and acceptance and compassion instead of judgment. So it's like, keep the balls coming coach.

Right. Let's do this again. And again, and again, and again, they can be irresponsible or selfish and I can still feel love for them and what they're doing right now.

That's my backhand. It's harder for me to get that back over the net when they do that. So I actually need more exposure to this situation, not less.

And then instead of trying to change another person and being so frustrated that they don't change, you actually can shift into a space where you go, Oh, this is so good for me. I can't wait for them to do the exact same thing that they've been doing because I'm going to work on my response. I'm going to work on my interpretation.

I'm going to get to the point where instead of it dying in the backhand part, or instead of me hitting it into the net or hitting it out of bounds, every time it goes there, if I keep practicing, I'm going to get to the point where I can hit it back over the net with love and compassion for them. Right. So that's the person of focus exercise.

You shift from focusing on other people's faults and weaknesses and shortcomings. You eventually shift it to yourself, but then you meet yourself with acceptance and compassion so that you can have leverage over the situation and move forward. So you judge them, you get it all out.

You circle the judgments that apply to you. Consider what might be true. Meet yourself with acceptance and compassion.

And then you're going to feel a massive shift in your emotions. It's the most amazing thing. So I'm just going to read the scripture one more time with some encouragement that you try out this exercise.

If you want to get better at this, why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, let me take the speck out of your eye when all the time there is a plank in your own eye. So try this person of focus exercise and see how it goes. And just remember, once you've shifted from someone else and their faults and shortcomings to your own thoughts, you can start enjoying the power you have to feel better by focusing on what you can control in your life.