God's Love and A Grumpy 4 Year-Old

In February of 2016, I had a powerful and slightly humorous experience as I fought to absorb the message of a church meeting amidst the grumpiness of my 4 year-old daughter. :)

Here is my journal entry from that day:

Trevva had a rough morning, and was grumpy and defiant about getting ready for church. She went completely limp and refused to sit up to get her hair done, and dug her heels in on a lot of aspects of the morning. She finally let me do her hair, and then 2 minutes later she purposely took the braid out and messed it all up. She flailed her body around all morning and complained and refused to do what was asked of her. At one point she flopped onto the floor and said, "I need a nap!!" Truer words were never spoken, but alas, we had to forge on, and get to church.

So, the truth is, I was not feeling particularly loving toward Trevva as I struggled, while Kyle was at meetings, to get all 4 of my kids ready for church an hour early to rehearse with the choir.

The meeting began, and I was ready for a spiritual feast. Today was a special conference for us to learn about our vision as a congregation to “receive and reflect God’s love” and I wanted to focus completely on everything that was said, and learn as much as I could. Despite having had a snack and a trip to the bathroom and the drinking fountain before the meeting began, Trevva was not very jazzed to sit at the feet of our church leaders and be taught. She continued to flail her body around, kick siblings, whine, and do all manner of other iniquities throughout the meeting. And I was feeling pretty frustrated, because boy was she getting in the way of me being able to learn about God's love!

After we had separated into classes, Trevva's children’s class teacher pulled me out of the adult women’s class to let me know that Trevva had purposely pushed a classmate and was refusing to apologize and was causing problems in the class and wondered if I could help. Good grief! I wanted to soak in this lesson we were having about having a soft heart, and receiving and reflecting God's love, and here was Trevva again, getting in the way of my spirituality! I sat with her, out in the hall, and started to see the irony of the situation. The teacher had just asked us some questions about our spiritual "heart health" and as I sat in the hallway with Trevva I felt my heart shrinking and hardening, as I resented my daughter for misbehaving and interrupting my chance to be taught. In contrast to the wrestling match of the first meeting, once my 4 kids were gone I had thoroughly enjoyed the adult only class as I blissfully took notes and received spiritual impressions. But now, doggone it, I was missing out on the rest of this lesson about God’s love because this petulant child can't get it together! Grrrr!

And then I started to feel the power of a gentle sense of humor. As I became aware of the irony of my emotional situation and took some deep breaths, it started to be funny to me that I was feeling like my own daughter was in the way of me learning about God's love. Ha! I started to feel my heart soften, and the grumpiness of a four year-old who had endured hours of choir rehearsal and church meetings, having missed lunch and a much needed nap went from "frustrating" and "unacceptable" and an "interruption" to "amusing." I realized that I had been taking myself way too seriously, and tried to let go of the feelings I had had throughout the day about her behavior: frustration, annoyance, embarrassment, even some anger...and just try to love. I asked Trevva if she wanted to go say sorry to Nicole and join her class, or if she wanted to come sit on my lap quietly in my class. Either choice was fine, and I let go of the need to give a consequence or a punishment or a lecture. Any mention of Trevva apologizing to her friend was met with pursed lips, folded arms, and a crinkled, grumpy face, so I resisted the urge to force her to go apologize or to shame her into feeling like a mean friend or a disappointment to me. Given the choice, she agreed to come sit with me.

Right as we sat down, the teacher started a video that was pictures of the Savior put to the song, “Jesus, the Very Thought of Thee.” And then things really started to change. Suddenly, Trevva was noticing pictures of Jesus, and was excitedly saying, "I have that picture in my scriptures!" and "Mom, look! Jesus is praying!" Her facial expression changed, her body posture changed, and she nuzzled in close to me. I felt my heart changing too. I wasn't frustrated anymore, I wasn't angry, I wasn't embarrassed....I just felt love. I wrapped my arms around her and realized that I had learned a lot more about the power of God's love with Trevva on my lap than I would have if I had gotten to sit, uninterrupted, through the whole meeting. After the movie was over, Trevva looked at me and excitedly said,

"I'm ready to go apologize to Nicole, Mom. Let's go find her."

And there it was. No consequence, no lecture, no disapproving finger wag could have changed her heart, but Jesus did. Trevva felt His love as she watched the video, and that changed everything for her. We marched off and found her friend, and she willingingly apologized and they hugged, and carried on as if the whole thing had never happened. As they played together in the hallway of the church, I felt my heart open even more, and the Spirit began teaching me what had really happened. As I wrote up these thoughts, I was taught more about the profound lessons I learned at church today.

In the simplicity of a little four year-old fight, I saw the joy of forgiveness, and how feeling the love of Jesus could change someone's heart to want to apologize, and how that apology could restore a friendship. I could imagine adults going through that same process, and being able to continue association with each other as if the offense had never happened, because of the love of God that dwelt in their hearts. And two little girls skipping around the hall of the church together, even after one had been a little grumpy and stubborn, will forever be an image of God’s love in my mind.

God knew that what I wanted most today was to feast on His words, and His love. I was discouraged that there were so many physical and emotional distractions pulling me away from getting to really focus on the message. But in the end, He taught me, in spite of my needy, grumpy, children, the lessons my heart was ready to learn. Actually, not in spite of my kids, but THROUGH them. One of the greatest challenges of motherhood, for me, has been that it has felt like a huge and constant interruption to my spirituality. Spirituality the way I approached it before kids— when I could have long, decadent scripture study sessions, and journal frequently, and take notes at every church meeting, and go home and immediately follow the promptings I had received. So many times over the last decade, I have longed for those days...and tried to re-create them, and then felt so confused at what to do when I wake up early to read scripture and have quiet time with God and a sick child wakes up earlier, or when I plan to journal or write down in a notebook the things I want to pray about that week, but one of my sons needs a bedside chat that night and by the end of it I'm too tired to commune the way I wanted to. I have felt so many times, "Man, if I could just free up from the demands of taking care of these kids I could really develop my relationship with God!”

From my tiny experience with Trevva today, I felt God's love wash over me as He put His arms around me and said, "Your children are not in the way. They are not a nuisance, or an obstacle to your relationship with me. They are the most powerful way for me to teach you how I feel about you, and for you to receive and reflect my love. You have grown spiritually, over the last decade of your life, not in spite of your children, but because of them. You are learning how to love on a deeper level than you ever have. Your whole life is on the altar, and your offering is enough. Delving into the scriptures when you are alone and everything is quiet is one way to connect with me, but there are also so many other ways. I will meet you where you are. Just let me in, and you will feel my love."

How has your relationship with God deepened, not in spite of your kids, but BECAUSE of them?

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I’m Emily Ricks. I help people transform their thinking so they can feel more joy. As a Certified Professional Life Coach, I work with women who want to reduce feelings of stress, guilt, overwhelm, and inadequacy. I help them clarify their values, say yes and no on purpose, and crush their negative thoughts so they can fill their homes with joy.