Episode 68: Love All Along The Way

What if you could feel love right now, without waiting for anything to be “perfect”? In this episode, I explore how embracing life, people, and yourself exactly as you are can let love pour in—abundant, effortless, and all along the way.

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Full Transcript:

You're listening to the Think New Thoughts Podcast with Emily Ricks, episode number 68. Love all along the way. I'm Emily Ricks, and this is Think New Thoughts, a life coaching podcast to help you find more joy in your relationships.

In each episode, I'll share a simple idea that will help you see things in a new way so you can love God, your neighbor, and yourself more deeply than you ever have before. If you're ready to literally change your mind, I think you'll like it here. When I started this podcast, I committed to having a new episode be published every Thursday, so this one falls on Christmas Day.

I'm guessing most of you will catch it sometime after Christmas, when things settle down a little bit, but if you are listening on December 25th, I'd like to wish you a very Merry Christmas. And if you're listening later, I hope you had a beautiful day. A beautiful, most likely imperfect day with some unmet expectations of whatever kinds, but also with its own kind of joy.

So today's a little bit of a part two of last week's episode, which was about choosing to love what is. Loving what is is accepting reality as it is now, without resistance, without holding onto the belief that it's actually supposed to be different or better or more than what it actually is today. And I mentioned last week that a lot of times women I work with are hesitant to love what is, because they think if they accept life exactly as it is now and choose to fully love it, that it means that they're somehow giving up the possibility of improvement.

They think they need to be dissatisfied and judgmental of something in order to ever have it change. So they wait to fully love their bodies, to love their husbands, to love their kids, to love their in-laws, to love their homes, or to love themselves until things are better or different or more like what they actually want. So this idea of holding back love until it's more deserved, like it seems logical, but actually I think it's absurd.

And let me see if I can show you why. I want you to picture a newborn baby one day old, two days old. And have you noticed that people a lot of times will use the word perfect when they look at a newborn? They'll say, oh, she's perfect.

Oh, he's perfect. They count the fingers and toes. They look into the baby's eyes.

They see their super soft skin. And that's the word that I've heard a lot of people use. Oh, she's perfect.

And yet that is an interesting word to choose because a newborn baby can't walk, can't talk, can't feed themselves, is not potty trained, can't read. And yet if you've ever held a newborn baby in your arms, you've probably experienced a deep, pure feeling of love for that baby. Can you imagine if you had a baby that was one week old, precious, fresh from heaven, newborn baby, and you were holding it in your arms, and you went, I mean, I don't really want to love this baby yet, but I might decide to love her once she learns how to talk, or once she learns how to play the piano, or after she graduates from college, but I don't want to love her too soon or too much now because then she won't learn how to do all of those things.

Like, can you see how ridiculous it is when we think about a baby? It's so not like that, right? You absolutely fully love a newborn baby. You just feel so much love for them, and they're perfect as they are. And also as a parent, when you hold that child in your arms, you are aware of their potential to become, to learn, to grow, but you don't hold back loving them.

You're not like, well, I don't want to love them too much yet because that's going to hold them back from being able to learn how to talk, and walk, and do all of these things, no. But as babies get older, and in our own relationship with ourselves, I see it all the time, that we look at where we are, and we think we should be further along. We think we should already know how to do things we don't know how to do yet.

But to me, that is just as ridiculous as looking at a newborn baby and thinking, well, why aren't they walking yet? Why don't they know how to jump on a trampoline? Why can't they play soccer? It's like, well, because they were just born. They haven't learned how to do that yet. So if you have a desire to love what is in your life, I find it really useful to think about the love that we have for a newborn baby, and to see if I can apply that to people who are a little bit older.

They're perfect exactly as they are. They're a miracle. They're amazing.

They're wonderful, exactly as they are. And they have the capacity to learn how to do incredible things that they don't yet know how to do. So it's both things, perfect exactly as they are, and also unfinished, incomplete, capable of much more.

Okay, so let's also talk about this idea of rationing love. Have you ever been on a road trip, like a long drive, and you have a water bottle? I do this. Like if I have a certain amount of water in my water bottle, and I notice when I'm on a road trip that I get kind of nervous, like, oh, I don't wanna drink too much water because it might run out before we get to the next stop.

And also you kind of have to manage how often you're gonna be going to the bathroom and all of that, right? So it's like, okay, I can take some sips, but I'm only gonna use some of it now, and I'm gonna ration it to make sure that I have enough water before our next stop. And it's kind of funny if you think about it, but I do that like on a road trip. And I see a lot of people do this with the feeling of love.

Like, oh, I need to ration this. I wouldn't wanna give too much of it now because I might run out and then not have love left over for later. Have you ever felt that way? I like to think of it as the difference between a faucet and a waterfall.

So if you have a faucet of water, then you're constantly turning it on for the water to come out, and then you turn it off. And that makes sense, right? Because in a home, in a sink, we only wanna use so much water. We wanna conserve it, and we don't want it to flow all over our house and flood and everything like that.

So there's very good reasons why we have an on and an off on our faucet so that when we want the water, we pull it up and the water comes out. And when we don't want the water, we can press it down. But if you're doing that with love in your life, like, oh, well, I can love this situation if it's exactly what I want, and I'll turn the faucet on and I'll feel love for it.

But if it's not exactly what I want, I'm gonna turn that off. I can love my child if they're measuring up to all the expectations that I have of how they should be, and we'll turn that faucet on and I'll feel love. But if they're making a decision I don't like, or if they're doing whatever, then I'm gonna turn that off.

I'm gonna choose not to feel love for them until they measure up to how I want them to be. And I see women do this all the time, actually, with their selves. Well, I could feel love for myself if I look a certain way, if I'm being consistent with the goals that I'm setting, if I show up in a perfect way with everyone in my life all the time, if I get everything done on my to-do list, then I can turn that faucet on and I can feel approval, we could call it, acceptance, love for myself.

But if I don't, then I'm gonna turn that faucet off. And that's okay, that's one way to approach it. It's your choice.

If you want to turn your love faucet on and off constantly all day, as you view other people, as you view yourself, as you view the circumstances in your life you can, it's just that it's kind of like punishing yourself. Like, why would you choose not to feel love? Why wouldn't you choose to feel love as often as you possibly could? So instead, I like to think of love as a waterfall. It's not a limited resource.

It's not like a water bottle on a road trip that we have to make sure we don't run out of it. The feeling of love is abundant. You can never run out of it.

You can never feel too much. It's not gonna go away if you use too much today. It's abundant.

And there's no turning a waterfall on and off. We don't go, oh, I don't want it to flood, so we better limit this waterfall. It just flows freely.

So when you choose not to love what is, you're depriving yourself of love that you could feel, and you're choosing not to. If you choose to hold back your love, put it on hold until certain conditions are met, you're really just punishing yourself. Sometimes if people have done things to us that we feel are disrespectful or unkind, a lot of times we get the idea like, well, they don't deserve my love, so I'm not going to give it to them.

And what I have learned through coaching and what I think is so powerful is to say, well, but the feeling of love is in my body. And I am not gonna do that to myself. I'm not gonna choose hatred and frustration and anger toward another person.

I'm not gonna withhold love from them as something I'm doing to them, because really it's something I'm doing to myself. And I want to feel as much love as I possibly can. That's when I'm connected to God.

That's when I'm becoming the best version of myself. So let's go back to the idea of a newborn baby. For me, that's the closest that I ever feel to unconditional love is with a newborn.

And I experienced it as a parent, right? I love you no matter what. I just love you. I love you if you're asleep.

I love you if you're awake. I love you if you filled your diaper. I love you if you spit up all over.

I love you if you are eating. I love you if you're not. I love you if you're smiling.

I love you if you're crying. And that is an amazing, amazing feeling. And I, as a parent, have found it a little bit harder to tap into that kind of unconditional love as kids get older, but also possible.

If I put the intention and if I make the decision and the choice to love what is, even with a teenager, I can get into that space of viewing them like a newborn. I love you. I love you no matter what.

I just feel so much love. My love for you is not a faucet. It's a waterfall.

And I love you when we have fun together and when we connect and when we laugh and when we have positive things. And also, I love you when you're not in a place where you wanna talk to me. And I love you when you're struggling.

I love you when you wanna be alone. I love you when you complain. I get it.

So you have an opportunity to feel as much love inside of you as you want to. And what I have found is that when I'm arguing with reality instead of loving what is, that I'm turning off that faucet of my ability to feel love. And so if I'm looking around at the people in my life and saying, well, they should be like this, they shouldn't be like that, this isn't how this is supposed to be, they should know how to do this by now, then I turn off that faucet.

But if I look at the people and the experiences in my life in the way that I would a newborn, and I say, wow, this is beautiful, this is perfect, exactly as it is. And it's gonna become even better and even more in time. And I can't wait to watch that happen.

Then I get to feel love now and all along the way and in the future. So I just want you to know, you can choose to feel love all along the way. There's so many journeys happening for you personally, for the people in your life, with your spirituality, in all sorts of categories of your life.

And you don't have to wait until the end of the journey to choose to feel love. You can feel it all along the way. And you can access that feeling by believing that you're exactly where you're meant to be today.

And also that you're capable of so much more. You can choose to believe this about yourself, you can choose to believe it about others. They're exactly where they're meant to be today.

And also capable of so much more. And you can make the choice to love all along the way. Let me just give you a couple of quick examples of what this can be like.

If you're a parent and you think about this with your kids, you can think this thought about a newborn baby. You are exactly where you're meant to be and capable of so much more. I can't wait to see you grow into that.

You can think this thought about a toddler. You're exactly where you're meant to be. Not being able to fully form words, throwing some tantrums when you get frustrated, that's exactly where you're meant to be.

And also you're capable of so much more and I can't wait to see you grow into that. You can think it about a preschooler who usually is able to talk and run and do all sorts of things, but their writing, you know, you look at their handwriting and it's like, oh wow, you know, they can't really spell words yet or maybe even write at all. But you can look at them and say, hey, you are exactly where you're meant to be.

You're doing such a great job. I love you exactly as you are and I know that you are capable of so much more. And I can't wait to see you become a person who can write essays.

That will happen in time, but right now you're exactly where you're meant to be. And I love you all along the way as you grow and learn. You can choose to think this way about your body, which has different stages and sizes and ages, just like a child.

What if you could look at your body and say you are exactly where you're meant to be right now. And I love you all along the way. As your body changes shape and size with different seasons of your life, if you're aging and you're beginning to lose some of the capacity that you once had, I want to encourage you to choose to love what is, to look at your body and say, you're exactly where you're meant to be right now.

And I love you all along the way. What about your house? Are you waiting to love your home until it's different? Until it's tidier, until it's more organized, until it has a better paint job? You can. You can also choose to believe that your home is exactly what it's meant to be right now.

And also, if you wanted to make improvements in any category, you totally can. And then you could feel love all along the way, and not just when it's done. Think about a spouse.

You can say, I will love you fully when you do things the way that I want you to do them. When you have the skills I think you should have by now. When you support me in the exact ways that I want you to.

Or you can say, I get it, you're a work in progress. Me too, let's grow together. You're perfect exactly as you are.

And I can't wait to see what new things you're gonna learn how to do. I think of my own marriage, 22 years. And my husband and I have learned how to do a lot of things we didn't know how to do when we first got married.

Like, wouldn't it be sad if he had come into our marriage with an idea like, I'll love you a little bit now, but I'm gonna ration that love, because I don't want to run out of love for you before we die, so I'm saving love for later. And I'm not gonna fully love you until you know how to take care of small children. Until you know how to be patient with teenagers.

Until you know how to manage a home with six people living in it. Like, he would be depriving himself of a lot of feelings of love if he approached it that way. Because I definitely did not know how to do all of those things when we first got married.

I think of my daughter, who's 13 right now. And sometimes I get worried. Like, I think she's not as far along as she should be.

You know, I think, oh, she should know how to make more meals, or she should know more about things like health insurance, or interest rates, or things that'll prepare her for adulthood. And then I pull myself back and decide to love what is. And I remind myself, she's 13 years old.

She's exactly where she's meant to be right now. Day by day, year by year, she'll learn more and more. And she will become a person who can do things that adults do.

But that's no reason to withhold love from her right now. That's no reason to judge her or think she should be different right now than she is. Just like a newborn who can't walk, or talk, or feed themselves is perfect.

My daughter at age 13, who can't yet provide for herself financially, she can't manage an entire household. Maybe she doesn't always plan ahead or manage her time the way that I might think she should. She's perfect as she is.

She's exactly where she's meant to be right now. I can choose to fully love her exactly as she is. And I believe that benefits her, and it also benefits me because I get to feel love for her all along the way.

I'm not gonna wait to completely, fully love my husband or my kids or myself or my home until they measure up to some standard. I wanna feel love all along the way. Do you see what I'm saying? You can do this too.

Try loving what is. Choosing to fully love without rationing or holding back. You can feel love now in the middle of the imperfection and also in the future when certain skills are developed or certain goals are achieved.

And think about Jesus. While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. That's the kind of love he has.

He's not waiting to love us until we can do more than we can yet do. He fully loves us now and also rejoices in what we can become. You can choose to offer yourself that same kind of love and extend it to others too.

It's called grace. And it's a waterfall, not a faucet. It's not rationed.

It's not measured out. It's given freely. Augustine once said, "'Grace is given not because we have done good works, "'but that we might be able to do them.'" I want to encourage you to turn from the faucet that you may have been turning on and off and fully embrace the waterfall of love that is available to you.

You can choose to feel love all along the way. Thanks so much for joining me today. I'll talk to you next week.