Episode 78: The Surprising Solution To Resentment and Burnout

If you’ve been feeling quietly resentful… stretched thin… or just more exhausted than you think you “should” be, this episode is for you. Relief might be closer — and simpler — than you think. What if the real source of your burnout isn’t what you’ve been blaming — and the solution isn’t about trying harder? This perspective might surprise you.

Full Transcript:

You're listening to the Think New Thoughts podcast with Emily Ricks, episode number 78, The Surprising Solution to Resentment and Burnout. I'm Emily Ricks, and this is Think New Thoughts, a life coaching podcast to help you find more joy in your relationships. In each episode, I'll share a simple idea that will help you see things in a new way, so you can love God, your neighbor, and yourself more deeply than you ever have before.If you're ready to literally change your mind, I think you'll like it here.

Hey, how's it going? Okay, so I'm going to say a word and I want you to explore the emotional reaction you have when I say it. You ready? The word is boundaries.

How do you feel about this word? Do you like it? Do you think of boundaries as a positive thing? Do you think they're easy to set or hard? Do you think they bring closeness in a relationship or distance? Do you think of boundaries as a loving thing or as a mean thing? This is just interesting to notice. I used to think of boundaries as hard and stringent, something that would put distance between me and people, something that someone else sets to be mean, or like something that's a last resort that you just have to use if you're dealing with someone who's being unreasonable. And my view of boundaries has changed quite a bit over the last several years.

I'm still growing into this, but I now, for the most part, view a boundary as something that creates joy and provides clarity to a situation. I view a boundary as something that promotes honesty in a relationship, which I see as a good thing. And I now know that a boundary can actually be a really useful solution to certain problems.

And I also believe that setting or upholding a boundary doesn't require me to be mean or angry, especially in situations where you find that you feel guilty or resentful or burned out. I want to share some ideas today of how clarifying your boundaries can actually be a really beautiful way to address these emotions and move through them. So let's talk about what is working and not working in your life when it comes to your boundaries.

A lot of times we don't really think about the boundaries that we have or don't have. We just kind of live life. But actually we have boundaries in all sorts of categories of our lives.

They might be weak or strong boundaries. They might be firm or flexible. They might be clear or blurry, but you probably have boundaries of some kind about how you spend your time.

What you eat, when and how long you use your phone and for what, what you read, watch or listen to when you get work done, when you go to bed, when you wake up, stuff like that. So just for a minute, I want to invite you to think about what's working in terms of your current boundaries. And here's how you can tell, what do you feel confident about in your life? In what

areas are you able to make decisions without any drama? You know, you have clear boundaries in an area where you can make a decision without drama.

So here's a really obvious one. I don't drink alcohol. I just don't hard stop.

Not going to do it. So I'm confident in this area. I have no drama about any decisions regarding alcohol, because it's just a clear boundary.

It's just a no. Every time I have boundaries about my work time. Like if I'm on a call with a client or I'm delivering a live workshop, like I have firm, clear boundaries that I'm not going to look at my phone.

I don't answer the door if someone comes over. So if I'm in a session and I get a phone call, I can make that decision with confidence and without a lot of drama that like, I'm not going to answer it right then. And I'll need to call them back later because I have a pretty clear boundary in that category.

I used to have a lot of drama about my kids and their grades because I didn't have a clear boundary between their grades and what I'm responsible for as their mom. And at this point, I have a lot more confidence about my parenting. Even if one of my kids gets a poor grade on something, because I have clearer boundaries.

I know what is my responsibility and what is not in terms of a parent. I know what I am powerful enough to do and what I'm not powerful enough to do. So I have more confidence because of that boundary.

Okay. So this is how you can tell where boundaries are working for you in your life. What do you feel confident about? Where is it easy to make decisions without drama? What feels clear and focused in your life? What are you able to be totally honest about? What is easy to say no to without feeling guilty? These are areas where you have strong, clear boundaries that you're upholding.

So that's what's working for you. Now let's also think about what maybe isn't working for you in terms of your current boundaries. What do you feel guilty about not doing? This one's super interesting.

So think about it for a minute. What do you feel guilty about not doing? So here's an example. I don't ever walk my neighbor's dog.

I never do that, but I also never feel guilty about not doing that because I have a clear boundary that that's not my responsibility. Right? Like it's pretty easy. I don't walk around thinking like, Oh, I probably should walk their dog.

Like, no, it's just a super clear boundary. Like that's their responsibility. It's not my dog.
It's not something that's I'm expected to do. So if you notice that you feel guilty about

something that you're not doing, that can be an indication that you don't have a clear boundary around what is your responsibility and what isn't like, maybe you feel guilty that you said no to a volunteer opportunity. Someone asked you to sign up for, and if you examine it and take a look, you could determine like, okay, which side of the line is this on? Is this something that is my responsibility or that I want to support? And do I actually want to go back and change my answer? Or do I look at it and say, actually, no, this isn't a fit for me.

It's not really my responsibility to make sure that this happens or that this committee gets filled. And so I can say no without guilt, because I have clarity about what the boundary is. Okay.

So another place to look to see where boundaries maybe aren't working for you in your life. What do you second guess your decisions about? When you have a really hard time deciding, what do you feel resentful about? Where do you feel worn out and exhausted? This is an interesting question. If we're talking about boundaries, it may not seem connected, but hear me out for a second, just like an indicator light in a car that tells you like, Hey, you're out of gas or Hey, the oil needs to be changed soon.

Or Hey, you have an alignment issue going on. When you feel worn out and exhausted, those are symptoms of having boundaries in your life that are either weak or unclear or too flexible, or that you're not upholding. So let's talk about attribution for a second.

I want to encourage you to notice these symptoms when you feel resentful, when you feel guilty, when you feel worn out, exhausted. And when you notice that, I want to encourage you not to attribute those emotions to other people or to anything else outside of you. So for example, you could say, I'm feeling resentful because people ask too much of me.

And that's what most people think. And that's, what's easy by default to just sort of assume and believe that that's true. But actually what I believe is more true is this I'm feeling resentful because I'm saying yes to every request.

And I'm not being honest about my preferences or my limitations. I'm probably people-pleasing to try to manage other people's emotions because I don't have a clear boundary between their thoughts and feelings and my own thoughts and feelings. That's the reason that I'm feeling resentful.

It's not because they're asking too much. It's because I don't have a boundary that is working in my favor. So this is an attribution problem, right? When we blame our emotions on something outside of us, we're attributing it to the wrong thing, which keeps us stuck and makes us unable to problem solve.

Let's do another one. So you could say, I'm feeling guilty because I said no to this thing, but they still want me to do it. And that's why I feel guilty.

But really what's more true is I feel guilty because I haven't determined a clear boundary of

what my role is and is not in this situation. Do you see the difference? Because once you can attribute your emotion instead of to somebody else or something outside of you, if you can attribute it to a boundary that isn't clear or that isn't strong, then you can address it. You can titrate that boundary, and then you can feel completely differently.

Even if the situation doesn't change at all, or the people around you continue to do the things that they do, which is usually what happens. Okay. So you could attribute you're complaining to something outside of yourself, but that's never really true.

You could say, I complain about my child's behavior because they're irresponsible and they should know better by now. But what's actually true is I complain about my child's behavior because I don't have clear boundaries about what I will do or not do, what I will provide or not provide based on their actions. And so that can be really uncomfortable when a child does something and we don't have our own clear boundaries, then we don't want them to do that because it brings up insecurity and a lot of other stuff for ourselves.

Okay. So do you see this attribution? It's a completely different solution that your brain is going to come up with. If you can attribute the problem to the proper source, and it's also a lot more empowering.

So let's do one more. You could say I'm frustrated because I always have to pick up the slack for what she doesn't do. But then you're attributing your emotions to something outside of you, which renders you powerless to change anything.

What I think is more true. I'm frustrated because I keep rescuing her and I don't have clear boundaries about what is her responsibility and what is mine. When you attribute a negative emotion to something you have the power to change, then you can move toward a solution instead of just swirling around in frustration endlessly.

Okay. So let's talk about clarifying your boundaries when you're feeling guilty or resentful or burned out or exhausted, and you notice it and you can attribute it to, Oh, okay. This means that there's some sort of boundary issue that's going on in my life that I want to tighten up.

Then you can use these negative emotions as information to help you notice where your boundaries are weak or unclear. And then you can make simple adjustments to address what isn't working for you to cut through all of this. The very simplest way that I can explain this is this notice when you're complaining about something and then see if you can identify what's going on with your own boundary.

In that situation, a boundary is a dividing line. I like to think of it like the line on a soccer field or the lane on a freeway. It just helps you to know like what is inbounds and what is out of bounds.

What's in the goal box. What's outside the goal box. So a boundary can help, you know, like, this is what belongs to me.

This is what doesn't, this is what is my responsibility. This is what isn't. Here's what I will do. Here's what I'm not going to do. Here's what I will eat or drink. Here's what I won't eat or drink. Here's how I'm willing to spend my money. Here's how I'm not. Here's what I choose to believe.

Here's what I don't choose to believe. It's just like a line on a soccer field. So when you are complaining about pretty much anything in your life, if you really take an honest look at what's going on, I bet you can trace it back to not having a clear or firm or strong boundary about something on your own end.

So what do you complain about? What drives you bananas? I challenge you to take an honest look and then attribute your negative feelings, not to what someone else is doing, but to your own boundaries that aren't working for you in this situation. The benefit of doing this is that then you can spend your energy clarifying a boundary, making an adjustment. And then instead of complaining all the time and focusing on what you want other people to do or not do, you can decide this is what I am willing to do.

This is what I'm not willing to do. This is how I'm willing to spend my money. This is how I'm not willing to spend my money.

This is how I will use my time. This is how I will not use my time. This is what I will say.

This is what I will not say. That's what a boundary is. And that's where all your power is.

All right, my friend, see if you can start viewing your own feelings of frustration, resentment, or exhaustion as a symptom of a boundary that isn't working for you. And then put your amazing brain to work solving that problem and see what shifts you can make that will help you derive a lot more joy and satisfaction in your life. Thanks for joining me today.

I'll talk to you next week.