Episode 59: Do You Want to Live By Design, Or By Default?
Are you living your life by design—or just by default? In this episode, we’ll talk about how easy it is to slip into unintentional routines that make life harder than it needs to be, and how a little bit of intention can bring more peace, purpose, and joy to your days.
Three things you might believe about yourself that God never actually said
How your self-criticism might be bleeding into your parenting
What can happen in your relationships when you change your inner dialogue.
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Full Transcript:
You're listening to the Think New Thoughts podcast with Emily Ricks, episode number 59. Do you want to live by design or by default?
I'm Emily Ricks, and this is Think New Thoughts, a life coaching podcast to help you find more joy in your relationships. In each episode, I'll share a simple idea that will help you see things in a new way so you can love God, your neighbor, and yourself more deeply than you ever have before. If you're ready to literally change your mind, I think you'll like it here.
Hello, my friend. How's it going? I just got back from fall break and it was so good.
We spent a few days in Southern Utah. We hiked the Narrows in Zion National Park, which if you haven't done it, it's this amazing hike through a river in a canyon. There were times when the water was up to our waist or sometimes even our chest.
It was really fun and super memorable. We also got to the Little Mermaid at the outdoor Tuakon Amphitheater and it was fantastic. We loved it so much.
So I'm feeling really grateful for that time with my family and also really happy to be back home and in our routines. Before we dive in, a quick announcement. Next week, I'm teaching a free masterclass on Zoom.
It's called Stop Being Mean to Yourself. It's for Christian moms who want to trade self-criticism for God's grace. We'll talk about three things you might believe about yourself that God never actually said, how that self-criticism can bleed into your parenting and what can happen in your relationships when you change your inner dialogue.
So if you love Jesus, but you also find yourself thinking, I'm not enough, or I should be doing better, or maybe you secretly believe that God's love goes up and down depending on how well you're doing that week, this is for you. It's happening Tuesday, October 28th. You can go to emilybrickscoaching.com forward slash register to save your spot.
And if you can't come live, sign up anyway, you'll get access to a limited time replay. Okay, let's dive into today's episode. Do you want to live by design or by default? So we're going to talk about the difference between the two and I'll give you an example of how setting a little bit of intention can go a long way in making life easier and more fun.
So living by default means letting life kind of happen to you, forming habits without really realizing it, reacting to whatever shows up. Living by design means stepping back and choosing intentionally, here's what I want to create, and then taking the steps to bring that about. There are four words you've probably heard a lot of people say, I didn't mean to.
And usually it's true, right? They didn't mean to, but it doesn't actually erase the result of what they did or didn't do. Like let's say somebody backed into your car and they say, oh, sorry, I didn't mean to. You'd be like, well, that's nice to know they didn't do it on purpose.
I appreciate knowing that, but whether they meant to wreck my car or not, I'm still going to need to get it fixed. And the insurance company isn't going to be like, well, they didn't mean to back into you. So we're not going to cover the damages.
That would be absurd, right? Whether or not they meant to doesn't change the reality that their car hit yours and it's going to cost money to prepare it. Of course they didn't mean to. That's why it's called an accident.
It's the same in day-to-day life. Sometimes we tell ourselves, well, I didn't mean to snap at my kids. I didn't mean to overspend.
I didn't mean to lose touch with that friend. And maybe that's true, but if you don't live by design, then you actually are choosing to live by default. Tommy Newberry, he's a Christian life coach at his marriage retreats.
He talks about when couples say we didn't mean to drift apart, it just kind of happened. And he doesn't accept that as a, as a valid reason he'll counter it with, okay, well, did you mean not to? Because if you didn't purposely mean not to drift apart, then drift is what will happen. If you didn't intentionally proactively work to cultivate a relationship of love and respect and trust and connection, the default result will be that those things aren't built.
So I love that question. Okay. Did you mean not to? Living by design means that you purposely set intention of what you want to create, that you mean to do things and that you mean not to do certain things.
You don't just let things happen and you make adjustments as you go to get closer and closer to reaching the things you're aiming to do and become. Living by default gives you short-term gain, but long-term loss. It's easier in the moment, but it usually makes your life harder and more complicated in the end.
Whereas living by design requires a little more effort upfront, more activation of the mind to choose things on purpose, but long-term a little intention can make your life easier and more fun. And in many cases, less complicated. So let's talk about unintentional habits.
We all have habits and routines, things we do regularly and repeatedly. And I used to think that routines were just the positive things that I do on purpose, like brushing my teeth or clearing off my kitchen counters every night. But I've learned that I also have unintentional routines that I didn't create on purpose.
Things I do over and over without really intending to. Habits I fell into by accident that I may not even be aware of that are now happening regularly and routinely. Tommy Newberry says, without a clear intention, we tend to default to the mood of the moment.
And that's so true, right? If you don't have a clear intention to eat healthy foods, you'll probably end up just grabbing whatever's easiest in the moment when you're hungry. And if you live without healthy intention long enough, grabbing whatever's there just becomes the unintentional routine. If you don't have a clear intention to parent with love, you're probably just going to react in frustration when your kids push your buttons.
And over time, without intention, you will default to a routine of doing this regularly and repeatedly. If you don't have a clear intention to connect with your spouse, you might default to just scrolling on the couch next to each other every night. And it's easy to fall into patterns like this.
And then those patterns become unintentional routines, things we do regularly and repeatedly that we didn't mean to start doing, but we also didn't mean not to. So here we are. Without a clear intention, we tend to default to the mood of the moment.
I just love that. And for me, it's rare that the mood of the moment leads me to what I really want in the end. What I want in the moment when my alarm goes off is to keep sleeping.
What I want in the end is a day that started with quiet time with God, with exercise and planning out my priorities. What I want in the moment, but it's time to fold laundry and put it away is to do something else that sounds more fun. But what I want in the end is clean and clear spaces and clothes that aren't wrinkled and an organized laundry room.
So having intention of those things leads me toward what I really want instead of what I think I want in the moment. Unintentional routines bog us down and add unnecessary complexity and challenges to our lives. But what I want you to know is that you can shift into a more intentional way of living in any category of your life, really anytime you want to.
I recently became aware of an unintentional routine I had created and decided I was ready to make a change. It had to do with my AirPods, the wireless headphones that I put in my ears when I listen to stuff on my phone. I like to listen to audio books and podcasts and music and stuff like that while I do things.
And this is kind of embarrassing, but I'm going to admit that there have been a lot of times where I reach for my AirPods and I have no idea where they are. I've had times where I want to listen to something and I stand there and try to remember, okay, what was I listening to last? Where was I when I was listening? Okay. And I have found my AirPods on the kitchen windowsill, on my bathroom counter, in the pocket of my pants, not in the case, all sorts of places.
And I didn't realize how ridiculous it was getting for a while. So there's the finding them when it's time to use them issue. And there's also the charging issue.
I got into this unintentional habit of waiting until they beeped to think about charging them. But then in the moment that I'm hearing them beep, I have them on. That's when I want to use them.
So I would say, well, I'll remember to plug them in when I'm done. But then of course I would forget, set them down in a random place, not charge them. And then the next time I would reach for them after I figured out where they were, they'd be dead and I wouldn't be able to use them at all.
One time I was going for a quick walk and I wanted to listen to a podcast episode, but when I reached for my AirPods, they were dead. So I decided I wanted to try to listen anyway. So I went on the walk and I was holding the phone up to my ear, straining to hear, and there was wind and all these other noises.
And it was so lame. I could barely hear it at all. And I was self-conscious that I looked ridiculous.
And I was mad at myself for not having charged my AirPods and all because I had developed an unintentional habit of leaving my AirPods laying around and not charging them. So silly, so unnecessary. Like look at all the extra work and hassle that I created for myself in this situation.
But here's the thing. I didn't set out on purpose to do this. I didn't intentionally design this routine.
I never sat down and said, you know what would be a great routine? I think I'll take my AirPods off any old place and leave them laying around and only charge them sporadically if I ever remember to do it. And then I'll never be able to find them and they won't often be charged. Like I never decided to do that, but because I didn't mean not to, that is what was happening.
Do you have any unintentional routines like that? You probably do. A lot of them you're probably not even aware of. Maybe you scroll on social media when you're bored and five minutes turns into an hour or a lot more.
You never intended to spend that long, but by default, you accidentally do. And this unintentional habit is keeping you from getting to a project that really matters to you. Maybe you're sleeping later than you really want to pushing snooze and then rushing around late in the morning.
And now you're regularly forgetting important things because you're frazzled. Whatever it is, if you want to live by design instead of by default, you totally can. I'm going to tell you how I shifted my little AirPod routine from living by default to living by design.
And you can use the same process in any category of your life. When you notice you have a routine that you fell into by accident, that is making your life harder or more complicated than it needs to be. So here's the three steps acknowledge, rewind, and then fast forward.
So with the AirPods, when I finally realized how ridiculous it had gotten, I acknowledged that I had formed an unintentional routine. I didn't mean to, but I had fallen into some habits that were repeating again and again. And at this point, it can be tempting to blame someone else for the results that you create with an unintentional routine, but don't fall for this because if you don't acknowledge that you're the one creating the result, you'll never have any power to make a change.
So the first step is acknowledge. Then I chose to rewind. Once I decided I wanted to stop not being able to find my AirPods when I want to use them, I backed up and slowed down to see if I could understand why I had fallen into this unintentional routine.
So I took a minute and asked myself, how did I get here? And when I did that, I realized a couple of things. My old charger broke several months ago. I had one that like I could set my phone on and I could also set my AirPods on it and it stopped working and I didn't get a new one.
And so then I actually don't have a cord to charge my AirPods because I had had that charger. The only one that actually works is the keyboard cord for my computer in my office. So that's where I would charge my AirPods, but it was super inconvenient and it wasn't like a special place just for them.
The other thing I realized is I have a lot of places that I use my AirPods. Sometimes I use them in my bathroom while I'm getting ready. Sometimes I use them in the kitchen while I'm cooking.
Sometimes I use them while I'm walking. So it makes sense that with all of these places, if I just set them down wherever I am, when I take them out, they're going to be all over the place. I actually never established a home for them.
So that's why they're never home. So here's the thing. It's actually pretty simple to rewind and examine how you formed an unintentional habit.
But it is amazing to me how infrequently most of us do this. Okay. So after rewinding to make sense of the past, I was ready to fast forward and create the future.
That's living by design. That's the setting intention part. So I asked myself, what result do I want to create on purpose instead of this crazy chaotic result that I have been creating on accident? And I said, well, I have a lot of things I like to listen to.
That's important to me. And ideally I'd love to reach for my AirPods, know exactly where they are, be able to grab them in 30 seconds or less and have them always be charged. So I set this small little intention.
This is what I want. And then I said, okay, how do I create that for myself? And the solution was obvious. I bought a new charging cord just for my AirPods and decided to start charging them every night in my room.
Just like I do with my phone. I chose two designated spots to keep them during the day, either my dresser upstairs or one specific spot in my kitchen. That's it.
The smallest amount of intention. And I've been doing it for about three weeks now. And I thought it was going to be super hard.
I thought it was going to take a really long time to get used to. And it has been so easy and it saved me so much time and hassle to always know where they are and always know that they're going to be charged. A little intention really can go a long way.
Today, I was talking to my mom on the phone and when I got done, I came into my office to record this episode. I took my AirPods out and I almost set them down on my desk outside of the case. But then I remembered my intention and I said, nope, I shifted this routine.
I'm living by design, not by default. I'm giving myself this gift so that I will know exactly where they are when I reach for them next. So I took the case out of my pocket.
I put my AirPods in it. I took 30 steps, walked into the kitchen and put them in their spot. So in this silly little example with my AirPods, I acknowledged that I had created an unintentional routine and I didn't like the result.
Then I slowed it down. I rewound to see if I could understand how I got there. And then I fast forwarded to envision what I wanted to create and why it was important to me.
So if you're ready to shift from living by default to living by design, take a few minutes to acknowledge, rewind, and then fast forward. You can apply these three steps to any change you want to make in your life. Little changes in your parenting, your marriage, your health, your time management, your self-talk.
Just the smallest bit of intention can go a very long way. And if you're tired of living by default in the way you treat yourself, if you've fallen into unintentional routines of beating yourself up for mistakes or telling yourself you'll never measure up, come join me next week for Stop Being Mean to Yourself. In this free masterclass, I'll help you form some new thought patterns about who you really are.
And the ripple effect will be immeasurable of how adjusting the way you think about yourself can bring less friction, less frustration, and more fun into your life. It's free, it's open to anyone, it's specifically geared to Christian moms. Go to emilyrickscoaching.com/register to sign up.
Hope to see you there. See if you can find one small change you want to make this week and see if you can acknowledge, rewind, and then fast forward to create the result you want. I'm cheering you on along the way.
