Episode 58: Finding Your Way Out of Shame
Shame tells us we are our mistakes — but that’s not the truth. In this episode, we’ll explore how to recognize shame when it shows up and walk through five practical questions that can lead you back to peace, self-compassion, and alignment with your values. You’ll discover how to meet yourself with understanding, which will launch you into growth and improvement.
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Also, here are the 5 questions! You can journal about them, record a voice memo of yourself answering each one, or hand them to a friend and ask them to listen as you answer them. :)
How am I out of alignment with my values in this situation?
What are some challenges I’ve been facing?
Why have I been doing it this way?
What have I been focusing on and creating?
What do I want to focus on and create now?
Full Transcript:
You're listening to the Think New Thoughts Podcast with Emily Ricks, episode number 58. Finding your way out of shame.
I'm Emily Ricks, and this is Think New Thoughts, a life coaching podcast to help you find more joy in your relationships. In each episode, I'll share a simple idea that will help you see things in a new way, so you can love God, your neighbor, and yourself more deeply than you ever have before. If you're ready to literally change your mind, I think you'll like it here.
Have you ever looked at an old photo of yourself and thought, oh, I looked awful back then? Or looked back on an interaction and thought, oh, I really messed that up.
I wish I'd never said that. Or do you ever look at the mess in your basement, or the number on the scale, or the list of things you intended to do but never got to, and think all sorts of negative thoughts about yourself? Maybe you think thoughts like, I'm so disorganized. I'm so bad at this.
I wish I weren't this way. Or I can't believe I did that. This is shame.
The dictionary defines shame as a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior. Researcher Brene Brown takes it further. She defines shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we're flawed, and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection.
Shame is an emotion that thrives in secrecy and silence. Shame tells you you are your mistakes, and because of them, you don't deserve to be loved or understood. But I have news for you.
Everyone feels shame sometimes. It's actually a totally normal thing to feel. Feeling shame isn't a sign that you're broken or that there's something wrong with you.
It just means that you're human. But what happens sometimes is that we feel ashamed about something that we did, and then we feel ashamed that we feel shame. And then we use the shame to prove that we really are worthless, instead of acknowledging and understanding that it's universal feeling and moving through it.
So today I want to share with you some ideas that will help you find your way out of shame. Not permanently. It's not like you're never going to feel shame ever again.
But when you notice that you're focusing on your flaws and you start to sink into that heavy feeling that you're not worthy of love or belonging or connection, here are five questions you can ask yourself that will help you reach up to the light and find your way out of shame. You don't have to use all five questions. Even just one can make a big difference.
But used all together in order, they're a very powerful conversation you can choose to have with yourself. So let's walk through the five questions. Number one is how am I out of alignment with my values in this situation? So when you feel ashamed of something that you did or a part of your personality or something you feel like you failed to do, you can ask this question.
How am I out of alignment with my values in this situation? First, it separates this one situation from your entire identity. And that's a really important thing. Also, it allows you to focus on what you value rather than on how you didn't measure up.
Let's say you planned to start your morning with a walk and a healthy breakfast, but instead you hit snooze three times and grabbed a pastry on the way out the door. And maybe you feel ashamed about that, mad at yourself for letting it happen again. So you ask, how am I out of alignment with my values in this situation? Well, what is it that I value? What is it that I actually really want and really care about? I value my body.
I value my health. I value being a person who keeps commitments to myself. That's what I really want in the end.
That's who I want to be. And right now in this situation, I didn't align with that. So this question, how am I out of alignment with my values in this situation will help you shift from a place of shame into guilt instead.
Now you might be like, well, guilt doesn't feel good either. Why would I want to feel guilty? But guilt gives you some important information. If you're willing to listen, guilt is a little alarm clock that tells you you're not lined up with what you really believe or what you really want.
And if you listen, you can titrate and adjust your decisions and your actions so that you can become more and more aligned over time with what you truly want. So in this situation, Shane might say, I'm so bad at following through. I can't believe I pressed snooze again, but guilt would say, Hmm, I was aiming to keep this commitment to myself.
But in this situation, that dart didn't hit the bullseye. That doesn't feel like who I ultimately want to be. So leaning into what you value is a cool strategy to help you think for eight, right? Think about things that are true, honest, just pure, lovely of good report, virtuous, or praiseworthy.
Even when you don't align with your values and that doesn't feel good, you can think about your values and focus on those and set that as your compass rather than thinking about what a failure you are. And when you're focusing on what you do want and what you do care about, it's much more likely that in time you're going to be able to have that dart hit the bullseye. Okay.
So that's question number one. The second question is what are some challenges I've been facing? This is a really cool question. And I want to point out that it is not the same as making excuses.
It's information. It's pieces of the puzzle. So you can understand yourself.
I just love taking a minute to see the whole picture of what's happening in my life and get some context for why I'm struggling to be kind or motivated or patient or whatever it is that I'm not being. So let's say you lost your patience and snapped at your kids. Shame might try to tell you, you are a terrible mom.
You can't get control of yourself. You're a terrible example. But taking a minute to acknowledge what you're facing in your life can steer you toward some compassion.
So this question, what challenges am I facing? Maybe you have a newborn and you're not getting a lot of sleep. Maybe you've had sick kids and your routines are off. Maybe your husband has been out of town or unable to help for other reasons and you've been feeling overloaded.
Maybe you have a friend who has confided in you about something heavy and you're keeping that confidence, but it's taking up mental and emotional energy to really be there for her right now. So we're not making excuses here. We're not saying, well, if my husband would help more, I wouldn't have snapped.
We're just acknowledging the weight of what we're carrying. Acknowledging that what we're doing is a challenging thing to do. I find when I ask myself this question, my demeanor toward myself really shifts instead of a crinkly face and a pointing finger of judgment at myself.
When I acknowledge some of the challenges I'm facing, it's like my eyebrows soften my arms open and I can like give myself a hug. And even just that shifts you from shame and even guilt into compassion. So then from a place of compassion, you're ready for question number three.
Why have I been doing it this way? Shame loves to get you to think no one understands me. I don't deserve connection or belonging. I'm all alone.
But this question helps you soften that feeling by going inside and really seeking to understand yourself. Instead of no one understands me, this question can help you shift to, I understand me. Did you know that you can actually give yourself the gift of being understood? So with the mom example of snapping at your kids, if you really go inside and ask, why have I been doing it this way? You might find some really interesting truths.
Maybe your child was having a total meltdown in a public place and you felt embarrassed. And as you take a look at it and you start to really go inside and see, what was I thinking? What was I feeling in that moment? Maybe you realize you were thinking, if I were a better mom, then my child wouldn't be screaming right now. So if you were looking at your child's behavior and using that as a mirror to reflect back and say, I'm a terrible mom, their behavior proves that I'm awful.
Then they kept screaming louder. It makes sense that that would be really distressing and that you would end up feeling threatened and go into fight or flight mode to protect yourself rather than using your prefrontal cortex to have a calm conversation. Or let's say you've been overeating and you really go inside and ask, like, why have I been doing it this way? What's really going on for me? You might find that you've been telling yourself insults, like you're ugly or you're weak or you're pathetic.
And that feels pretty terrible. And so you've been eating to try to cope with those negative feelings. That actually makes sense.
It's understandable why a person would do that. So when you ask this question, it's not an excuse to keep doing things this way. It's just a little light bulb.
Oh, I see. That actually makes sense. I understand why.
And the beauty is if you really go inside and find out what's going on for you, you can feel understood. And when you feel understood, you're moving out of shame and into connection and love. And it's really awesome to be understood by another person.
And sometimes we get to have that. But I have found through coaching that if I go first and I understand myself, then I can show up with a lot more love for other people when I feel understood and reach out to them for even more connection than I can when I don't do my own work and I'm desperate for someone else to understand me. And I'm worried that they might not, maybe even angry with them if they don't give me the understanding that I'm craving.
So that's a different feeling. Stephen Covey in his seven habits of highly effective people suggests that we seek first to understand then to be understood. And I believe one of the best ways to really live this is to go inside and ask yourself powerful questions so you can understand yourself.
Then you're ready to seek connection outside of yourself and try to understand others and have them understand you. The fourth question to help you find your way out of shame is what have I been focusing on and creating? So this question kind of has two sides. What have I been focusing on and creating that I don't want is one side.
Like maybe you've been having conflict with your teenager and you've been focusing on your teen's shortcomings and their weaknesses, and you've been creating negativity and judgment in the relationship. This is helpful to know. Once you own your own part, you can start making changes to what you're focusing on if you want to create different results.
You can also take the positive side. What have I been focusing on that's good, that has taken my attention away from being able to do something else? Like if you have shame about a project you started but never finished, but you had three babies in the last six years, this question can help you realize, wow, I've been putting so much time and attention into taking care of my kids in this season. I've been creating humans.
No wonder I haven't prioritized this project that's been sitting in my basement, or whatever it is. And the final question is what do I want to focus on and create now? If you listened to episode 54 about the three keys to help you think new thoughts, you might have noticed how these questions are leading you through those three keys, awareness, ownership, and also intention. Awareness of what you value, how you're not aligned with those values in this situation.
Awareness of what challenges you're facing and why you've made some of the choices that you have. And then we move into ownership of what you have been focusing on and creating, and finally intention of what you want to start creating now. To really illustrate the power of these questions, I want to give you a real personal example and show you how I've been coaching myself through feelings of shame as I've been making some changes in my life.
So over the last few months, there have been some things that I've totally missed, like an HOA payment that was six months overdue because I hadn't switched it over to a new payment company correctly, or a rehearsal for one of my kids that I didn't know about because I didn't read the email, or a wedding reception invitation that I received, but then didn't add it to my calendar. And a friend mentioned it and I was like, wait, what? When is that? What are you talking about? An isolated mistake, one of these things happening, I could work through and give myself some grace. But over the last little while, there've actually been a lot of things like this slipping through the cracks.
And so I started to get really frustrated with myself. And shame wanted to tell me, you're a failure. You can't manage it all.
And then also blame that on myself, like you should be more organized, you shouldn't take on so much, you should be more disciplined about staying on top of things. So when that shame comes up, I can start with question number one, which actually kind of validates some of those accusations, but it softens them a bit. How am I out of alignment with my values in this situation? Well, for me on this one, I value being a person who keeps commitments and can be relied on.
I value being responsible and dependable. I value order and clarity. So when I miss payments or emails or invitations, I'm out of alignment with being responsible and dependable and keeping commitments.
So that helps calm down the shame though, and shift into guilt. It doesn't feel good that I'm not aligned, but it's not a blanket statement about my entire personality. It's just an acknowledgement that in some situations, my darts aren't hitting the bullseye.
Okay. Question number two, what are some challenges I've been facing? Well, I'm still figuring out how to manage my time as a human being and balance being an entrepreneur, running my own business with being a mom and a wife and a homeowner and volunteering at my church and doing all the other things in my life. And choosing to start a podcast has been a huge time commitment that I've added into my routines, along with several other business projects that I'm managing, but I haven't actually gotten any more hours in a day.
So that's been a challenge for me to try to keep up with everything that I used to do while also adding plates to the equation that don't spin themselves. So it's not an excuse, but it helps me to feel some compassion for myself. Number three, why have I been doing it this way? When I asked this question, I realized I've been putting off some home management routines, kind of doing the bare minimum of things I used to spend more time doing as a strategy to free up more time.
And it makes sense. Like I care about spending time with my kids, coaching my clients, strengthening my marriage, spending quiet time with God, creating episodes for the podcast, exercising, volunteering in my church. Like when I list it all out, all of those things are actually more important to me than reading every single email I get or managing an HOA payment.
So if it's a hierarchy, I see why I have deprioritized what I have. It wasn't really an intentional decision, but I see how it happened. And the beauty of answering this question is now I understand myself.
I see why I've made the choices that I have. I might want to make some changes moving forward, but it's understandable why I am where I am. Okay.
So question number four, what have I been focusing on and creating? Well, I've been focusing on and creating a coaching business and it's fun. And I feel like God wants me to be spending time and energy there, but, but I've also been creating some chaos in my life by pushing some routines to the side by avoiding certain things or viewing them as really time consuming. And I'm willing to own that.
I'm the one who has created that. And I'm ready to create more order and less chaos in a couple areas of my life. I'm ready to make some changes.
So now we have question number five, what do you want to focus on and create now? So long story short, I have a course that I purchased a long time ago. It's an organizational program called steps to everyday productivity. They teach you how to build what's called a command central to manage all of your tasks and projects and routines and goals.
And it worked really well for me and supported me marvelously for over a decade. And over the last year or two, unintentionally, I stopped doing some of the key parts of the system and found myself forgetting things and writing little notes all over the house to remember to do stuff and not trusting myself to be on top of things. Like every week you're supposed to do a weekly review and there are specific steps to that.
And I got to a point where I would kind of thumb through my pile and grab the most important stuff, but not go through everything. And so I had something sitting in my inbox for a year or two that really, if I had been following the system would have been processed into my command central every week. So once I realized that was happening and why it was happening, I decided I wanted to recommit to using this system and actually doing the routines and not letting things pile up.
I realized I already actually had the tools I needed, but I hadn't been fully using them. So I signed up for a three-week challenge to help me go through the program again and refresh this organizational system that I built and make some changes. And through this process, as I was working through the three-week challenge and recommitting to some small but important routines, a lot of shame came up for me.
Shame about things I haven't done. Shame about habits I've gotten into. Thoughts like, I should know better than to have done it this way.
I shouldn't have fallen off the wagon. I should have better routines. I should be more organized.
But I've been able to soften the shame by asking these questions and feel it give way to compassion and a desire to find strategies and support that will help me to make the changes I want. It's challenging to make changes in your life because in order to do it, you have to acknowledge where you are and you have to admit that it's not where you want to be. But instead of staying stuck in shame, if you ask questions like these and you really go inside, you can feel that shame give way to compassion, which will allow you to start making intentional choices for what you want to create.
So if shame shows up for you this week, and it might be about your habits or your goals or something you wish you'd done differently, I want to invite you to walk yourself through these five questions. Ask yourself, how am I out of alignment with my values in this situation? What are some challenges I've been facing? Why have I been doing it this way? What have I been focusing on and creating? And what do I want to focus on and create now? You don't have to use all five, even one can make a big difference. So the next time you catch yourself thinking, I should have known better, or I can't believe I did that.
If you pause, take a deep breath and ask some questions, you can find your way back to love, to learning, and to the person you actually want to become. You can write these questions down and do some journaling. You can read these questions or record a voice memo of yourself talking.
You can hand these questions to another person and say, Hey, can you ask me these? I noticed I'm feeling some shame and I'd like some help finding my way out. If you try it, I'd love to hear how it goes for you. Thanks for joining me today.