Episode 38: It's Supposed to Look How it Actually Looks

Have you ever felt discouraged that your  life doesn’t seem to match the “picture on the box”? In this episode, I’m offering a totally different way to think about your messy, beautiful, imperfect reality. What if it’s not a problem that things don’t look how you imagined—what if that’s exactly how they’re supposed to look? Tune in to hear why aiming for joyful IMperfection might be the most freeing goal you’ve ever set.

Schedule a free mini session with me to explore this topic or something else you've heard on the podcast.

Full Transcript:

You're listening to the Think New Thoughts Podcast with Emily Ricks, episode number 38. It's supposed to look how it actually looks.

I'm Emily Ricks, and this is Think New Thoughts, a life coaching podcast to help you find more joy in your relationships. In each episode, I'll share a simple idea that will help you see things in a new way, so you can love God, your neighbor, and yourself more deeply than you ever have before. If you're ready to literally change your mind, I think you'll like it here.

All right, here's a quote I used to believe, but don't really anymore.

I first heard this when I was a teenager. It goes like this, it's better to shoot for the stars and miss than shoot for the gutter and hit it. There was a time when this idea really inspired me, right? Like dream big, don't limit yourself because you're afraid of failing, aim high.

I get it, there's beauty in the concept. But I'm just going to say that for me, I reached a point in my adult life where I got really tired of shooting for the stars and always missing. Reaching for the stars, striving for perfection, aiming for the ideal, thinking that if I just try hard enough, I'll be able to get there, and then never really actually getting there.

This way of thinking for me personally creates anxiety, disappointment, frustration, discouragement, and also exhaustion. But according to the quote, there's only two options, right? Either you shoot for the stars and miss, or you shoot for the gutter and make it. I certainly didn't want to end up in the gutter, so I just kept shooting for the stars and feeling bad about myself for never quite being able to get there.

I'll just try harder next time. So I have good news for you. As with most things, there are more than two options.

So today I want to offer you a third option of how you can think about what you aim for in your life. You can picture yourself shooting for the stars and falling short. You can picture yourself shooting for the gutter and hitting it, or you can picture yourself aiming for and hitting a very wide and very reachable target, which is called imperfection.

If you've been feeling discouraged or frustrated or critical of yourself that your life doesn't measure up in some way to an ideal standard, I want to share a thought that can bring you more joy. So let's imagine that you're working on a puzzle. When you look at the image on the box, you see a mountain lake with clear water surrounded by pine trees, accompanied by a picturesque orange and pink sunset.

You're excited to put all the pieces together and create this perfect nature scene. You flip the pieces over, find the edge pieces, create a frame, and start sorting water pieces, tree pieces, and sunset pieces. And you feel a little pit in your stomach and you think, well, the color of the sunset on my pieces doesn't really match the colors on the box.

That's weird. Well, let's just keep putting the puzzle together. And then you're like, wait a minute.

The lake on the box is perfectly clear and reflects the mountains like a mirror. My pieces aren't clear like that. The water on my pieces is kind of murky.

You look back and forth from the box to the pieces and start to feel more and more unsettled. You keep going, but you're feeling uneasy and starting to worry. What if my puzzle ends up not looking like the image on the box? It's supposed to turn out as this perfect scene, but I'm not sure I even have the right pieces to make that.

You try to have fun doing the puzzle, but really you're feeling very concerned that it's not looking like the picture on the box. In the end, several parts of the scene are different on your puzzle than they were on the box. And four pieces never turned up at all.

After all that effort, you look at your puzzle with four holes and a version of the nature scene that is much less picturesque than the one on the box. And you conclude, well, I couldn't create the perfect scene that was on the box. I guess I'm bad at puzzles.

And you feel defeated and unfulfilled. Have you ever felt this way about your life? Like you're trying to get your pieces to match the picture on the box, but it just isn't working. You're trying to get your kids, your body, your house, your spirituality, your relationships to look the way they're supposed to, but you just can't.

This is perfectionism. Shooting for the image on the box, having an idea in your mind of how things are supposed to be and trying as hard as you can to measure up to that image to make your life match it. And you can live like this.

You can think like this. If you like feeling discouraged, frustrated, exhausted, and like you're never enough, then keep shooting for your life to be just like the perfect image on the box of the puzzle. But if you'd like to feel less of that and more joy, more gratitude for the life you actually have, and less frustration that you should have been given different puzzle pieces to work with, here's a thought you can try.

It's supposed to look how it actually looks. It's not supposed to match a picture on a box. Think about something in your life that you feel really dissatisfied with.

Like, do you think your house should be cleaner than it is? Do you think you should be more organized or more self-disciplined than you are? Do you think your kids should be smarter, more responsible, or more spiritual than they are? Do you think your body should look different than it does? Do you think you should be more successful in some way than you are? Now consider, what do you think your house should look like? What do you think your kids should be like? What do you think your body should look like? What success do you think you should have already achieved? See if you can picture this perfect image on the puzzle box that you've created in your mind of what you think your life is supposed to look like. And instead of shooting for the stars and missing, instead of thinking that your life is supposed to be perfect, like the image you have of it in your head, I want to invite you to think a different thought. Look at the life you actually have.

The kids you actually have, the body you actually have, the house you actually live in, whatever it is for you. And you have the option to believe this thought. It's actually supposed to look just like this.

It's supposed to look exactly how it looks. My house is supposed to be messy when the kids are going in all different directions, or we're doing projects, or I've been serving in my community. You're supposed to be up in the middle of the night when you have a newborn.

You're supposed to be sleep deprived. Your teenagers are supposed to be irresponsible sometimes. Your body is supposed to look how it looks.

Your kids are supposed to be learning exactly the way that they're learning right now. Perfectionism is an argument with reality. Whenever we think our lives are supposed to be perfect, we're arguing with reality because reality is imperfect.

Isn't it? You don't have to believe that, but I highly recommend that you do. I used to think it would be disappointing to accept that everything in my life is going to be imperfect no matter what I do. I have actually found the opposite to be true.

It's disappointing to believe that if I try hard enough, I can make things perfect. And it's frustrating because it never works. And it drives people around me crazy because I create stress and pressure and expectations for them too that they can never measure up to.

It's freeing, not disappointing to accept that everything in my life is going to be a little imperfect no matter what I do. That's why I choose to believe that my life is supposed to look exactly how it looks right now. Your life is supposed to look exactly how it looks right now.

And the way I think of it, the target, the actual bullseye that I'm aiming for is not the stars and it's also not the gutter. It's reality, which is imperfect. And imperfection is an awesome goal because I can actually hit that.

It's what I do hit in everything I do. So try this on my friend. If you're planning a trip, if you're going to move, if you're giving a presentation or planning a family celebration or just visualizing the next week or the next month of your life, I want to invite you to aim on purpose for imperfection.

Decide what's important to you. Plan things that you think will be enjoyable and also aim for imperfection. Plan for it that some things won't be that fun.

Other people might get grumpy at certain points. You might get grumpy, but that's great because you're aiming for imperfection. You're not aiming for perfect and then trying to be okay with less than that.

Actually aim for joyful imperfection. Imperfection, not because you failed in some way, but just because that's exactly how your trip, your move, your presentation, your celebration, your summer, your life is supposed to look. You are the one who gets to decide what the image is on the box of your puzzle.

I'm not saying don't set goals at all. I'm not saying don't visualize what's possible or what you want. I'm not saying just be complacent and never try to improve your marriage or improve your health.

I'm not saying never declutter or clean your house. What I am saying is that it makes a huge difference how you choose to think about what you're aiming for. If you're aiming for perfection, chances are pretty high that you will not hit it.

If you're aiming for imperfection, if you imagine an image to shoot for that isn't actually perfect, I guarantee you, you're going to be able to reach that. And when you can acknowledge, accept, and come to peace with the reality that your efforts will always be a little bit imperfect, when you can rejoice in this instead of fighting it, you'll be amazed how much joy you feel and how much gratitude you can experience for the life you actually have instead of the one you don't have that you think you somehow should. I promise you, your life is actually supposed to look exactly how it looks right now.

You have the puzzle pieces to make something beautiful, but it's going to be imperfect. It's not going to look exactly like a picture on a box. If you can accept this, then from a place of acceptance and gratitude, you will be able to create way more awesomeness and joy in your life than you ever could from a place of discouragement, inadequacy, and frustration.

Try this new thought and see if you agree. It's supposed to look how it actually looks. Would you like help thinking this new thought? Grab a free mini session with me and I'll help you cultivate a feeling of acceptance about something in your life that you've been discouraged about.

Go to emilyrickscoaching.com/minisession to schedule a time that works for you. I look forward to chatting with you. Thanks for joining me today.