Episode 39: The Selfishness Trap

Trying not to be selfish can feel like reaching for cheese in a mousetrap—innocent at first, but suddenly you’re stuck, spinning in shame and self-doubt. In this episode, I show you how the fear of selfishness can backfire and keep you focused on yourself in ways you never intended.  You'll learn how to spot the trap and disarm it by choosing love over fear.  It’s a powerful mindset shift you won’t want to miss!

Would you like to think some new thoughts about this?  Schedule a free mini session with me and let's dive into it together. 

Full Transcript:

You're listening to the Think New Thoughts Podcast with Emily Ricks, episode number 39, The Selfishness Trap.

I'm Emily Ricks and this is Think New Thoughts, a life coaching podcast to help you find more joy in your relationships. In each episode, I'll share a simple idea that will help you see things in a new way so you can love God, your neighbor, and yourself more deeply than you ever have before. If you're ready to literally change your mind, I think you'll like it here.

Hello, my friend. How's it going? We're going to talk about selfishness today.

Doesn't that sound fun? But first I want to share a review that came through recently. This is from Kathy. She's actually one of the founding members of the Think New Thoughts Academy.

So she's been in there with me for about a year and a half now. Her podcast review is called Power to Change. She says, I have found the changes Emily has helped me make are leading me to more peace and trials and also a greater understanding of the power I possess by simply changing my thoughts.

I love her sincerity, vulnerability, and honesty when she shares her own stories. Some of the concepts are very new to my way of thinking. She's patient and comes at it again from a different direction when I'm not quite understanding.

She helps you get to the root of the matter with no judgment. She helps you understand the effect of your real choices. Thank you so much, Kathy, for that heartfelt review.

This work really does help people claim their power to choose and make changes in their lives. And I'm so glad that you're experiencing that. Okay, so this episode is called The Selfishness Trap.

And maybe when you pulled it up, you saw the image of a mousetrap baited with some cheese cubes. You know how a classic mousetrap works, right? You put a little chunk of cheese on that tiny metal plate. And when the mouse reaches for it, the spring-loaded bar slams down and traps it.

The bait looks like a treat, but it's actually the setup. Here's what I want to share with you today. I think worrying about being selfish works the same way.

It seems like a noble concern. Oh, I don't want to be selfish. But once you bite into that thought, you get caught in a trap that actually spirals you into focusing more and more on yourself, which is what you were trying not to do.

So the dictionary definition of selfishness is to be concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself, seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others. We tend to think of someone as being or acting selfish when they prioritize their own needs and desires above others. A lot of times people use the word selfish as part of an accusation, right? She's selfish.

Stop being so selfish. My personal definition is I know I'm being selfish when my thoughts are self-centered and self-focused in a way that keeps me from looking to God and keeps me from serving others. There are tons of scriptures that point us toward the opposite of selfishness as the ultimate virtue and aim, right? In 1 Corinthians 13, Paul describes charity, which is the pure love of Christ.

He says, charity suffereth long and is kind. Charity envieth not. Charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, does not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil.

Here's what I see happen. A lot of times we take a beautiful good desire, which is we want to become more kind, more patient, and more selfless. And without meaning to, we turn this desire into a fear and we start trying not to be selfish.

I don't want to be selfish. I don't want to be selfish. I hope people don't think I'm selfish.

We worry that we are selfish or that we're going to be, and we view that as bad and wrong and unacceptable. And we give a lot of negative energy to the whole idea and it all backfires. And the fear of selfishness and our attention on that actually turns our thoughts more and more toward ourselves.

I'm going to share with you three examples where I've seen this play out. One from my own life and two from clients that I've worked with. As you listen to these, see if you can start to visualize and understand how this sneaky little mousetrap baits you and then grabs you.

About two years ago, I got some coaching and went into this session with a lot of worry. I'm worried that me being a coach and wanting to build this business is selfish because I really enjoy coaching and it takes time and energy and maybe I shouldn't pursue this because maybe it's just selfish. So my coach made a CTFAR model with me.

If you're new here, a CTFAR model is a tool that I use in coaching. It's Circumstance, Thought, Feeling, Action, Result. So that's the C, T, F, A, and R. And it's an amazing tool that helps us see how our thoughts shape our lives.

So focusing on the thought line and the feeling line of the model, my coach asked, okay, how do you feel when you're thinking the thought that this is selfish? And I thought about it and realized, oh, I feel ashamed. I feel like I shouldn't want this. I shouldn't spend time on this.

She says, okay, what do you do when you feel ashamed? And I realized I kind of hide. I play small. I do volunteer stuff for my church during work time to prove to myself that I'm not selfish.

I do housework during time that was blocked out to work to prove to myself that I'm not selfish. I don't start a membership. I don't start a podcast.

I don't create workshops. I don't post on social media because I don't want people to think I'm selfish and I don't want to feel selfish. When I don't want people to think I'm selfish, I don't go all in to create this business.

And the result, the R line of my model, when I don't create the membership or the podcast or share online about what I do, I don't help as many people as I could if I were doing those things, which is kind of selfish, right? To have knowledge and abilities that could benefit people, but not use them because you're trapped in your own fear and worry. When my coach helped me see this unintentional model I was living, I was stunned. I had no idea this is actually what was happening.

The fear of being selfish actually led me to focus completely on myself and lose sight of the whole reason I became a coach, which is to help other people. It's so fascinating when you can see how the trap baits you and then snaps. Here's another example.

In a recent session with a client who's finding it difficult to support her kids in their schoolwork in the way the school has recommended, she said she feels really selfish that she's not doing more. So we made a model. She was thinking of herself as selfish and then feeling critical of herself.

So I asked her, okay, when you're feeling critical of yourself, if I had a camera on you, what would I see you doing? What's on your action line? She said, well, frantically trying to do tons of things at once, not focusing on any one thing at a time and not being patient with the kids. She said she noticed she yells more when she's feeling critical of herself for being selfish. And I'm like, well, yeah, me too.

You're not alone. This is true for all of us. When we are feeling critical of ourselves, that emotion does not drive kind, patient, loving actions toward others.

When we accuse ourselves of being selfish and we feel bad about ourselves and critical of ourselves, then we do selfish things on the action line. And in the end, focus a lot on ourselves. I have another client who is about to move her young family in order to pursue a career dream.

And she was feeling worried that it might be selfish. So we made a model. She was thinking, this is going to be bad for my kids.

And it's selfish of me to pursue this dream. So I asked her, okay, how do you feel when you think that thought? And she said, defensive. She noticed that she really wants the kids not to complain or dislike anything about the move.

Because if they feel anything negative, then she feels guilty that this whole thing is selfish. So she wants them to be happy all the time. So she can prove to herself that she's not selfish.

And from that energy of feeling defensive on her action line, she doesn't show up as the mom she wants to be. She doesn't hold space for their emotions. She tries to manipulate and control them to be happy.

So she won't feel selfish, which is hilarious, right? Moving your family's neutral. It's not necessarily a selfish thing to do, but trying to manipulate or control someone else's emotions for your own benefit, that actually is selfish. And that's what was happening for her when she was telling herself that she's selfish for pursuing something that really matters to her.

Isn't it so interesting to see how this is a trap? Okay, so what do you do instead? What do you do if you're worried that you're being selfish or if you actually are being selfish and you can see that you're focusing on yourself in a way that's keeping you from looking to God and keeping you from serving and loving other people? I can tell you this, criticizing yourself will keep you stuck. But awareness of what's actually happening will help you disarm the trap. So it can be really helpful to slow it down and see if you can become the observer, the watcher of your mind.

Let me tell you about the shift that awareness helped create in the three examples I mentioned before. For me, once I understood that worrying about being selfish was actually causing me to focus excessively on myself, I started looking at the whole thing in a different way. And I really sat with that question of is this selfish? And really prayed about that question and considered it without fear, without resistance over a period of time.

And here's what I have come to believe. Even if I never had had one paying client, all of the time and energy I have spent on my coach training would be worth it just for the way ThoughtWork has helped me grow as a mom. For my family's benefit alone, it would all be worth it.

Because of coaching, I know so much better now how to listen with compassion and curiosity and without judgment to my kids, how to be open to their viewpoints and how to accept imperfection in them and in myself. So is it selfish for me to spend time and energy and resources to be a coach? Because I enjoy it, does that make it selfish? Well, it benefits me tremendously. Yes, it's rewarding to me and fulfilling, and it's also beneficial to others.

That's what feels true for me when I'm not trapped in fear. God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. And love feels totally different than fear.

The client who was feeling critical of herself because she was telling herself she was selfish and not doing enough to help her kids in school, she became aware of what she was creating and could see that it wasn't what she wanted. Her shift came when she chose to look at God instead of at herself. We actually paused in the session and she just closed her eyes and listened for God's voice.

What he was telling her was really true about her situation. And a new thought came to her mind. I have limitations, but God doesn't.

And instead of feeling critical of herself, she felt trusting. Trusting that a powerful divine being would provide resources to help her. Isn't that such a cool difference? I don't want to be selfish is a very different thought and feeling than I have limitations, but God doesn't and he wants to help me.

That belief disarms the selfishness trap because it totally changes the focus. The client who was worried that maybe it was selfish of her to be moving her family to pursue a career dream. Once she gained awareness of the trap she had gotten baited into and could see it in a model, she disarmed the trap with a new belief that this will be a growing experience for everyone in her family.

And it's going to be hard. There will definitely be problems. It won't be easy for her kids or her, but she's excited to love them and support them and allow them to experience the full range of emotions that they're going to have on this journey.

Whatever challenges may come. And can you feel how much more expansive that is compared with telling yourself you're selfish, feeling ashamed and then trying to cover it up by manipulating other people? So if you have some drama in your head about not wanting to be selfish, I invite you to pause and notice it. Notice the thoughts you're thinking.

Notice what they're creating in you. Is all that effort to not be selfish actually helping you show up with more love, compassion, kindness or patience for yourself or anyone else? In my experience, it rarely does. Because that fear of selfishness, it's the bait.

And when you react to it without awareness, the trap snaps shut. But here's the good news. Awareness of how you think and feel and act disarms the trap.

Looking to God disarms the trap. Compassion for yourself or someone else springs it open and sets you free. Free to move out of fear.

Free to walk in love. Which is awesome because love is the opposite of selfishness. Love is patient.

Love is kind. It doesn't envy. It doesn't boast.

It's not proud. It's not self-seeking. It rejoices in the truth.

So I'm cheering you on as you start noticing the selfishness trap in your own life and start outsmarting it by becoming aware and choosing love over fear. If you want help applying this idea or any other concept from the podcast to your own life, schedule a free mini session with me and I'll help you get awareness of what you're thinking and feeling. Go to emilyrickscoaching.com/mini-session and grab a time that works for you.

Thanks for joining me today. I'll talk to you next week. Find the joy, what I look for in my mind.