Episode 40: Monkey See, Monkey...Choose

Have you ever been annoyed that someone else is annoyed at you? Or gotten mad that someone else is mad?  That’s “monkey see, monkey do” at work—and most of us fall into this way more often than we realize. Tune in to discover what's really going on, and find out how you can stop merely copying other people’s energy and start choosing your own.  This simple shift can make your life a lot less exhausting...and a lot more fun! 

If someone you love who is struggling with addiction, or crippling anxiety, or ongoing depression, I believe (passionately!) that one of the most powerful, life changing things you can do to help them is to explore and understand your OWN thoughts and feelings first.

Schedule a free mini session with me and I'll show you how. 

Full Transcript:

You're listening to the Think New Thoughts Podcast with Emily Ricks, episode number 40. Monkey see, monkey choose.

I'm Emily Ricks and this is Think New Thoughts, a life coaching podcast to help you find more joy in your relationships. In each episode, I'll share a simple idea that will help you see things in a new way so you can love God, your neighbor, and yourself more deeply than you ever have before. If you're ready to literally change your mind, I think you'll like it here.

Do you know the phrase, monkey see, monkey do? It's used to describe how we tend to imitate what we observe, especially kids.

Like when a toddler holds a TV remote to their ear and babbles copying adults, even though they don't really understand conversations or phones. Or like when a little girl struts around the toy room wearing a purse and high heels like her mom. As humans, we often imitate behavior before we understand the behavior itself.

And sometimes that's a really good thing. That's how I learned to talk. My mom says I followed my older sister around the house, repeating her every word about two seconds behind her.

I learned by mirroring her, copying exactly what she did. And that's how we all begin. Imitation is built into us.

It's efficient. It helps us learn quickly without having to reinvent the wheel every time we pick up on social cues, facial expressions, even accents just by watching and absorbing the world around us. Recently, my 17 year old son, Jacob went to the zoo with a friend and they stopped to watch this big gorilla lounging behind the glass.

The gorilla was sitting cross-legged, casually munching on some fruits and veggies, just hanging out. So Jacob found a bench facing the window, plopped down cross-legged, pulled out his own snack, looked right at the gorilla, and started eating too. His friend snapped a picture and honestly, I laugh every time I look at it.

It's actually the episode image if you want to see it. That moment is such a great example of how natural it is to mirror what we see. And there's something playful and kind of beautiful about it.

There really is a time and a place to copy or reflect what someone else is doing. Like when we mourn with those who mourn or burst out laughing when other people are laughing too, or get excited about someone else's good news. That kind of emotional resonance can be a connection point, a way we show empathy, love, and support.

But sometimes that same instinct to mirror, to copy, to take on what someone else is feeling can actually create problems for us. A lot of times we imitate other people's negativity without even realizing we're doing it. Like if someone is mad at you for something you think isn't that big of a deal, and then you get annoyed at them for how unreasonable they are for being upset at you, you are actually mirroring their anger.

And now we have two angry people in the room. You think that they are immature and overreacting for getting mad. And when you think that you overreact and get mad too.

Monkey see monkey do. Imitating what you observe without a mature understanding of what's really happening. We also tend to imitate negative judgment kind of by accident, but we do it.

I see this all the time. Let's say you have a sister-in-law who makes critical comments about your parents or other members of your family. And then you don't like her judging your family.

And you think she shouldn't say those things. So you think thoughts like she shouldn't be so judgmental or that's so rude of her to say. So then you start judging her and thinking critical thoughts about her.

And now we have two judgmental people in the room. Monkey see monkey do. Do you see how without really meaning to, you can end up imitating other people's emotional energy? Here's another example.

Let's say you have a daughter who tends to get really anxious about taking tests. So a big test is coming up and your daughter starts to feel anxious. Then what do you do? The anxiety doesn't jump out of her body and into yours, but you might start thinking, Oh no, I don't want her to feel anxious.

I need to make sure she doesn't feel anxious or this is going to get out of control. Now you're adopting her anxiety. You're mirroring her emotional energy.

Her anxiety is about her test, dreading it, picturing the worst, thinking it's going to be awful. And you are anxious about her anxiety, dreading it, picturing the worst, and thinking it's going to be awful. Monkey see monkey do.

You see her getting anxious, so you get anxious too. You're mirroring her emotional energy and without meaning to, making it what you feel. The same thing can happen if you're supporting a loved one who deals with depression.

Let's say it's your spouse. He's depressed. He's deflated and hopeless about his life.

And the longer it goes on, the more you might start adopting his energy and copying his feelings of discouragement and hopelessness. Eventually you might get depressed about his depression, thinking that he'll never get better and losing hope that you can keep going. And now we have two depressed people in the room.

It's understandable when we mirror the emotions of other people. It totally makes sense why we do it. What I want you to know is that you don't have to, you don't have to be depressed about your husband's depression.

You don't have to be anxious about your daughter's anxiety. You don't have to be judgmental of people who judge you or get mad at people who get mad at you. Imitation of what you see others do is one option, but you have hundreds of others.

So let's just review and get clear about where emotions come from. If someone else feels angry, that emotion doesn't jump out of their body and into your body. Let's say you have a child who's screaming at you.

That's not fair. I hate you. The child is clearly angry, but their anger doesn't jump out of their body and into yours.

You won't feel angry unless you attach to a thought that creates a feeling of anger in your body. I thought like this child is so disrespectful after everything I've done for them. They're embarrassing me.

They're making me look bad. Thinking that thought, believing that thought would probably create a feeling of anger in your body, but a different thought would create a different emotion. Like if you thought, yeah, this is tough for them to accept my decision on this, but that's okay.

They can be mad. I'm not going to copy them. I'm going to stay calm.

If you focused on and believed this thought in that same situation, you'd probably feel centered. Maybe even loving rather than angry. So your thoughts create your emotions.

Other people's emotions are created by their thoughts. And this is so, so, so helpful to know and understand. No one else's emotions can jump out of their body and into yours.

Here's how Viktor Frankl puts it. He says between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response.

In our response lies our growth and our freedom. In other words, in between what other people do and what you do, there's a space. And in that space, you can choose to rise above the default programming to simply imitate them with your monkey brain.

And instead engage your human brain to choose your response on purpose. It's not just monkey see monkey do it's monkey see monkey choose. Does it sound impossible to you? Are you thinking? No, there's no space in between.

It's not like I choose to get upset. I can't control that when someone else is super negative, that makes me mad. I can't help it.

Well, you can believe that if you want to, you can believe anything you choose. And if you want to feel frustrated and powerless and out of control of your own life and your own emotions, then you can believe that what other people do makes you feel sad or angry or anxious or upset. But what if you believed that there is a space in between what they do and what you feel? And that in that space, you can choose to let them feel however they feel without copying it, without imitating it, without resenting it, and without trying to change it.

What would be different about your life if you truly believed that? Let them feel whatever emotion they feel. Let them think whatever thoughts are creating that emotion for them. They are allowed to think and feel whatever they want to.

And let me choose my own thoughts and feelings that I want to create in this experience. Not monkey see monkey do not just mindless imitation. Monkey see monkey choose.

I promise you this is possible. Not only is it possible, it's actually scriptural. Matthew five in the sermon on the mount, Jesus taught, you have heard that it hath been said, thou shalt love thy neighbor and hate thine enemy.

In other words, be nice to the people who are nice to you and get mad at the people who get mad at you. But I say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you and pray for them, which despitefully use you and persecute you. Can you hear how that's totally different than just taking on the emotional energy of another person? Different than simply imitating or mirroring what other people do or say? It takes effort and intention to love people who are unkind, to bless those that curse you.

It's a higher law, but it brings so much more joy into your life when you're not relying on other people to create your emotions for you. Here's how I like to think of it. You can choose to be an emotional thermometer or an emotional thermostat.

A thermometer just reflects the temperature in the room. If the room is hot, it shows hot. If the room is cold, it shows cold.

A thermometer takes on the temperature of its surroundings. And I see people do this in relationships all the time. They take on the emotional temperature of another person and then they're shivering in the cold, getting really mad.

Well, I'm cold because they're cold and I've told them not to be cold. I've told them to wear a coat so that I won't be cold, but they refuse to wear a jacket. So I'm freezing over here.

Can you see how absurd this is? Don't be an emotional thermometer. Don't let your temperature be determined by what other people feel. If you want to feel warm, stop running around trying to get someone else to put on a coat.

You'll go insane. Instead, be an emotional thermostat. A thermostat senses the temperature in a space and then makes adjustments in order to regulate it.

If it's really hot, the thermostat activates the AC and adds cooler air. If it's cold, the thermostat will activate heat and add hotter air. This is what you can do when you understand that your thoughts create your feelings and that other people's emotions don't jump out of their body and into yours.

You can regulate your own emotions by intentionally choosing how you want to think about and respond to anything that happens around you. If other people want to be cold, let them. If other people want to be drenched in sweat, let them.

If they want to be frustrated or anxious or rude, let them. And then adjust your own thermostat. And rather than copying their emotions, choose how you want to respond.

Not monkey see, monkey do. Monkey see, monkey choose. There's a space between stimulus and response.

In that space is our power to choose our response. And in our response lies our growth and our freedom. This week, I want to encourage you to notice when you're unintentionally imitating someone else's negativity and remind yourself that you have other options.

I love this idea. I love how empowering it is. If you're tired of emotionally freezing because someone else left the door open, let's talk.

In a free mini session, we can take a look at one situation in your life where you feel stuck and I'll help you find the space to choose something different. And let me just say that if you are supporting someone you love who is struggling with addiction or crippling anxiety or ongoing depression, I passionately believe that the most powerful life-changing thing you can do to help them is to start with your own emotional thermostat. Sometimes it seems loving to try to get other people to change.

We want them to feel warm, so we keep trying to get them to wear a coat. But I truly deeply believe that in reality, the most loving, supportive, helpful thing you can do for someone you love who is struggling is to explore and understand your own thoughts and feelings. To take the time and the energy to titrate your own mental and emotional thermostat so you can show up for them with love and not fear.

With acceptance, not resistance. With patience, not panic. With respect rather than trying to control.

If you are feeling worn down trying to help someone you love change their emotional climate, I want to encourage you to shift your focus to what you can actually control, which is you, not them. Take a break from focusing on them and find out what you are thinking and feeling and doing. This shift in focus can change everything for you and actually help you support them and influence their journey from a much more loving, more powerful place.

Head to emilyrickscoaching.com/mini-session to schedule yours. I would really love to help you do this. Thanks for joining me today.