Episode 48: When It Feels Hard to Decide

Have you ever felt totally stuck in a decision—like you're standing at a fork in the road, but both paths look uncomfortable? This week’s episode is all about decision debt—what it is, why we create it, and how to stop spinning in "I don't know."  If your brain’s been feeling cluttered lately, this one’s for you.

Want to stop spinning in confusion about a big decision? Schedule a free mini session with me and I'll help you start moving forward--so you can feel the joy of progress and growth!

Full Transcript:

You're listening to the Think New Thoughts Podcast with Emily Ricks, episode number 48, when it feels hard to decide.

I'm Emily Ricks, and this is Think New Thoughts, a life coaching podcast to help you find more joy in your relationships. In each episode, I'll share a simple idea that will help you see things in a new way, so you can love God, your neighbor, and yourself more deeply than you ever have before. If you're ready to literally change your mind, I think you'll like it here.

You know that drawer in your kitchen that's full of random junk, like rubber bands, loose batteries, one lonely birthday candle, and four mechanical pencils that have no lead? You know how annoying it is when you try to open that drawer so you can write down what you need to get at the grocery store, but then the drawer gets jammed because there's a broken tape dispenser at the back? So then you reach your hand in the half-open drawer to fish out something to write and you end up going through three dried out pens before you find one that actually works? Oh, and by the way, what do you do with those pens when you're trying to write with them and you realize they don't work? Put them back in the drawer, right? Because you might need them someday. Your brain can end up feeling like that junk drawer when you get into the habit of prolonging or postponing making decisions.

When you go, well, I don't know what decision to make here, so I'll just decide later. I don't know what the right decision is and I don't want to make the wrong one, so let's just put that decision back in the drawer and make the decision later. Eventually, the piles of I don't knows and maybes start to really stack up and ultimately they will drain your mental and emotional energy.

So today we're going to talk about decision debt, what it is, why it happens, and how to stop circling around in it and move forward instead. So what is decision debt? When you put off making decisions and you end up with lots and lots of unmade decisions, then you're in debt. You owe the currency of making a decision on something and you don't pay it and you don't pay it.

And so then a balance accrues and then more decisions come along and they feel overwhelming and scary. And so rather than make a clear decision, you put more and more decisions into the pile of things that you're going to figure out later. And this decision debt clutters up your brain.

So why do we do this to ourselves? Usually it comes from a place of self protection, right? I don't want to regret this decision if I make it, so I'm just going to wait and make it later. Or I don't know exactly what will happen, so if I wait two days or two years to decide, then maybe by then I'll have a crystal ball that will show me the future so I can be sure how this will turn out. Or maybe we want to protect ourselves from feeling uncomfortable.

We want to protect ourselves from failure, right? Like if I make a choice and I do this thing, it might not work out. And then I'll feel stupid and mad that I wasted my time. So I'll just stay safe and comfortable and not make a decision.

The problem is what feels like safety and comfort is actually confusion and clutter and overwhelm. Like we tell ourselves, I feel confused right now. I don't know what decision to make, so I must not be ready to make this decision.

It must not be right because I feel confused. And then here's what we believe. When we're in the middle of indecision, we're like, well, at some vague point in the future, something magical is going to happen to me.

And all the doubt and uncertainty is just magically going to disappear when the decision is right. And once that happens, then I'll feel confident and clear about everything. And I'll be ready to make the decision and move forward.

Another thing that keeps us stuck in indecision is when we face a decision between two things, we look down the road at the problems or challenges that either road could bring. And we don't like seeing those obstacles. So we keep looking for another path, a different one, a different option that won't have stuff on it that looks hard or uncomfortable.

Do you know the musical end of the woods? It's a fun combination of multiple fairy tales. So there's Cinderella and Rapunzel and Jack and the Beanstalk, a little red riding hood, and all these characters and their stories are woven together. Anyway, Cinderella in this version has three nights of the ball.

And the first night she runs away and the Prince tries to run after her and he can't find her. Then the second night, she also runs away. So the third night, the Prince puts pitch on the stairs.

So she won't be able to run away. So she tries to run away. And then her shoe gets stuck in the pitch on the steps of the palace.

And in that moment, she sings this amazing song that captures why she's literally stuck in indecision. So on the one hand, she's excited about the idea of embracing a new life with the Prince. And she sees that as an option because he's taken an interest in her, right? But there are some things that are uncertain and uncomfortable.

If she starts walking down that road. On the other hand, she has a decision. She can just go back to her regular life with her stepmother and stepsisters, which feels comfortable, but there are a lot of problems with that life too.

So here are some of the words of the song that she sings as she's sitting on the steps of the palace trying to decide what to do. She says like, all right, what do you want? Have to make a decision. Why not stay and be caught? Should I give that a thought? What would be his response? But then what if he knew who I am when I know that I'm not what he thinks that he wants? Or then what if I am what a Prince would envision? But then how can you know who you are until you know what you want, which I don't.

So then which do you pick where you're safe out of sight and yourself, but where everything's wrong or where everything's right, but you know that you'll never belong. It's my first big decision. The choice isn't easy to make to arrive at a ball is exciting and all.

Once you're there though, it's scary. So then she considers though at home, they don't care. I'll be better off there where there's nothing to choose.

So there's nothing to lose. So many amazing lyrics in the song. Ultimately, she's overwhelmed by the decision because either thing she chooses will have challenges.

She doesn't really like that about either option and she doesn't want the pressure of being the one to decide. So she says, wait, though, thinking it through things don't have to collide. I know what my decision is, which is not to decide.

I'll just leave him a clue, for example, a shoe, and then we'll see what he'll do. Now it's he and not you who will be stuck with a shoe in the goo. Have you ever found yourself on the steps of the palace trying to make a decision, but finding things about either path that you don't like, you might think, well, that would be scary.

So I'm not going to do that. But this way over here is uncomfortable for different reasons. So I don't like that either.

And a lot of times we end up saying, okay, I know what my decision is, which is not to decide that will solve it. Then I don't have to face the discomfort of either path. But do you see the problem? Then you are literally stuck in the goo because you don't make forward progress in either direction.

You just sit. And in a way you stay safe in a way you avoid failure or rejection or opposition. When you stay at the trailhead going in neither direction, but actually you just choose a different kind of discomfort, the discomfort of confusion and indecision and overwhelmed and a stagnation and lack of progress that comes from an unwillingness to accept trade-offs.

So what is a decision you are putting off in your life right now? What is something where you weigh the options and you go, oh, there's going to be challenges either way. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to decide.

I don't know what's right. Here's some things that some people wonder. Should I go back to school? Should I homeschool my kids? Should I switch careers? Should I remodel my kitchen? Should we take the job in Texas or in Minnesota? Should I start that diet? Should I write that book? These are decisions that we get to make.

And here's what I want to offer you today. If you find yourself stalling on a decision, waiting to make it, see if you can acknowledge what's happening. Oh, I'm trying to protect myself from something unpleasant down the road.

I'm trying to find a path up the mountain that won't have a Creek to cross or forest to get through or big rocks to climb. I'm stalling as a way to protect myself from those obstacles that I see down the road. If you see this happening, I want to invite you to tell yourself the truth.

Okay. In my attempt to protect myself from what would be required of me, if I make this decision, I'm choosing confusion and overwhelm for myself right now, which actually also feels terrible. Tell yourself the truth.

I don't want to make a decision because I'm afraid. I'm afraid that it will be hard, afraid that I'm going to regret my decision. I'm afraid I might fail, that I might get rejected, that I might have to face hard things.

And that's understandable. It's all valid, but tell yourself the truth. Okay.

I can spin around in fear and confusion as long as I want to, but then I'm just going to be standing at the trailhead, not making any real progress after circling around and around because I'm not choosing either trail and fear and confusion as a protection from future obstacles is not a good trade. Do you see what I'm saying? Going into decision debt feels gratifying in the moment because you avoid these obstacles that you're looking ahead and seeing, but it doesn't serve you in the long term. Here's a principle I learned at the life coach school that I find to be so helpful.

You're going to be uncomfortable either way, either decision you make, you will face stuff that is super challenging. I can guarantee it. So, so you might as well be uncomfortable while creating an actual result rather than just spinning in indecision.

Brooke Castillo, who's the founder of the life coach school, gives an example of this with weight loss. Like if you're trying to decide, do I want to lose weight? Am I going to commit to that for the next three months or whatever it is or not. And let's say you consider both options and ultimately don't really like either one.

Like Cinderella on the steps of the palace. You're like, well, either way, there's going to be problems. If I choose to lose weight, that's going to be hard and uncomfortable.

And I'm going to feel deprived and I'm gonna have to manage my cravings and say no to things that I want to eat. Like, oh, I don't like that road. Okay.

Well, if I don't lose weight, then my clothes will keep feeling tight and I'll be tired a lot. And I won't like how I feel in my body. I don't like either option.

So then you might indulge in indecision like Cinderella on the steps of the palace. You might say, okay, I know what my decision is, which is not to decide. And you'll think, oh, if I just don't pick either one, then I won't have to be uncomfortable.

You tell yourself if I just don't decide yet, eventually I'm going to find some magic solution. That's not going to have briars and thorns and noxious weeds. I'll just hold out for the perfect thing.

And it'll come if I wait long enough, but you're lying to yourself. This is how decision debt gets fueled by trying to avoid discomfort. It seems really clever and sneaky.

Like you found a hack to get out of facing challenges, but actually it's a terrible thing to do to yourself because your brain only has so much energy in a day. You can use that energy to keep stewing over all your unmade decisions and stay at the trailhead at the bottom of the mountain, not choosing a trail, not getting anywhere, just telling yourself, oh, I'm just still making this decision. I'm still making this decision, or you can make decisions and take action on decisions you've made and use the brain energy that you have to problem solve and overcome the obstacles and challenges that you encounter along the path.

As you're making your way up the mountain, if you're trying to avoid facing obstacles, you kind of can, but then you don't get anywhere. If you're bent on avoiding discomfort, you kind of can, but then you just stay in indecision and confusion and overwhelm. You pile up decision debt and actually create a situation for yourself.

That's really uncomfortable. Okay. So at this point, you might be thinking, well, how do I make a decision? If I don't know what I want, I need to know what I want before I make a decision.

And since I don't know what I want, I'm not ready to decide yet. Brooke Castillo doesn't allow her students to say these three words. I don't know.

And these are very tempting words to say when you're facing a decision. I don't know what I want. I don't know how to do it.

I don't know if this is the right decision. I don't know how I'll feel about it in the future. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. A lot of times we use these words to justify not taking action.

I don't know. And so therefore I'm not ready to make the decision, but here's the thing. If you don't know what you want, it's because you haven't made enough decisions yet.

If you don't know what you want, you're not going to find out by postponing decision-making. Do you see what I'm saying? Not making decisions keeps you not knowing because you don't have data from decisions made to aid you in future decisions. So if you want to find out what you want, if you want to gain clarity and get out of confusion, the secret is to stop indulging in I don't know.

Make a decision, choose, create momentum, move forward. Use your energy to overcome obstacles that are definitely going to be on whatever path you choose, rather than circling around, worrying about what obstacles might come. As you do that, you will learn over time what you want.

You're going to feel discomfort either way. You might as well feel discomfort while creating momentum. So I want to encourage you when it feels hard to make a decision, and this sounds counterintuitive, but actually the solution is make as many decisions as you can.

Then evaluate and learn from your decisions. Use the results that you create with your decisions to understand what works and what doesn't, to understand what you like and what you don't like, to understand what aligns with who you want to be and what doesn't. Indecision is fueled by fear.

Fear that you'll make a mistake, fear that you'll feel a negative emotion, fear that someone will judge you or disapprove of your decision, fear that you'll disapprove of yourself. And again, it's all understandable that we have those fears, that we feel those things. But if you operate from that fear, it will keep you stuck.

It will keep you spinning. It will keep you accruing more and more piles of unmade decisions. So here is what I'm offering you.

Rather than waiting for the fear to go away before you're willing to make a decision, make a decision in the face of fear. When you make a decision in your life, a clear decision, a clear yes or a clear no, it moves you forward. When you say, okay, I'm going to do this thing, or even when you say, I'm not going to do this thing, it moves you forward to the next thing.

So here's my encouragement to you. Don't stay stuck on the steps of the palace, my friend. Don't accrue a debt of confusion and stagnation by putting off making decisions and telling yourself you don't know.

Don't try to avoid the obstacles that you see on either path by staying where you are. Instead, make decisions, make decisions, make decisions, decide, move forward, and then use your brain energy to overcome the obstacles. If you're facing a decision right now and you feel stuck, grab a free mini session with me, and I'll help you muster up the courage to forge ahead on a trail up that mountain.

Go to emilyrickscoaching.com/mini-session. I'd love to chat with you. Thanks for joining me today.