Episode 49: Try Flipping the Lens

Feeling nervous before a big moment? Or powerless when someone’s choices are driving you crazy? This week, I’ll show you one quick shift that can change your emotions almost instantly.  This is an epsiode you won't want to miss. 

The kids are starting new grades and new extra-curriculars...what's on the docket for YOUR growth and learning? :)  You can go into a new grade too, with my 8-week private coaching program, designed to help Christian moms trade guilt and self-doubt for peace, confidence, and purpose. Learn more: www.emilyrickscoaching.com/coaching

Full Transcript:

You're listening to the Think New Thoughts Podcast with Emily Ricks, episode number 49. Try flipping the lens.

I'm Emily Ricks, and this is Think New Thoughts, a life coaching podcast to help you find more joy in your relationships. In each episode, I'll share a simple idea that will help you see things in a new way so you can love God, your neighbor, and yourself more deeply than you ever have before. If you're ready to literally change your mind, I think you'll like it here.

Hello, my friend. It's back to school season at our house. My kids are starting 6th, 8th, and 12th grade. And my oldest, who has been serving a mission for our church, will be home in November.

So it's an exciting time at the Rix home. After 15 years of having elementary school aged kids, that chapter of my parenting has ended. And so I'm welcoming any twinges of sadness that come and also embracing this next season and what it will bring.

Hopefully this next season of your life will be filled with adventures too. As school starts back up this fall, I have a few additional openings for one-on-one clients. I'm looking for Christian moms who are feeling emotionally exhausted.

Through coaching, I want to help you quiet the negative self-talk spirals you might find yourself in and help you calm chronic feelings of guilt or inadequacy. So if that sounds like something you want, I'd like to invite you into my eight week private coaching program, where I will help you notice and understand your thoughts and discover some new ones to think. So you can keep loving and serving and giving and doing all the things you do without resentment and without burnout, with more energy, with more joy.

I love coaching moms because I think motherhood is such an important job. And I also believe that as a mom, when I take care of my emotional health, when I get coaching, when I coach myself, when I practice the tools that I teach here on the podcast, I show up with so much more love and energy for my kids, for my husband, and for my family. So I truly believe that the best gift you can give your kids is a happy, centered, calm, loving mom.

I used to worry that it was selfish of me to invest in my personal development. And actually I have found that doing so helps me to be more selfless and show up as the mom that I want to be in a mindset and an energy that is life-giving to my family. So if you're a mom and you love Jesus, and if you've been feeling emotionally worn out, if you've been snapping at your kids or crying a lot or stuffing down your emotions, and then feeling super resentful of your responsibilities, I want you to know that there's another way to live.

It's within your reach. And I would be overjoyed to work with you and show you how to learn more, go to EmilyRixCoaching.com go to work with me, and you can set up a call to see if this eight week private coaching program is right for you. So today I want to share a strategy that's called flipping the lens.

And there are two main scenarios where you can use it to really improve the quality of your emotional life. So the first scenario where you can use this strategy is when you're going to perform or speak or teach a class or give a presentation or really anything where you're going to get up in front of a group of people. And so when you're getting ready to do it, you might feel anxious or worried that you're going to mess up.

Maybe you feel nervous or scared or downright terrified. You might feel insecure, worried that people are going to think you're not good at what you do, or that they might think your hair looks bad or that your voice is annoying or whatever. So here are three words that I find to be really helpful.

Focus creates feeling, or in other words, whatever you look at, whatever you're thinking about is going to determine how you feel. So when you feel anxious or insecure or worried or nervous, before you're going to do something in front of a group, these emotions are signals that you are focusing on yourself and worrying about your performance. And so something that you can do in that situation, if you don't want to feel as anxious or as nervous or as worried, you can flip the lens.

So imagine you're holding an iPhone and you're looking at it and it's looking at, you know, the camera lens is facing you, right? So you're thinking about this performance, this presentation, this lesson, whatever it is that you're going to do. And you're looking at your phone, seeing your own reflection and feeling insecure. Just imagine that you could tap the button and have it go whoop.

And instead of looking at yourself, what if you could focus on who you want to help? So you could think about what you're offering and how it could benefit somebody else. You could think about your passion for the topic or for the song or for the content of whatever it is you're doing. And rather than focusing on your own performance, you could focus on glorifying God and how showing up and doing this thing is you shining his light to others.

Instead of taking a selfie, flip the lens and take a picture of someone you can help. Imagine somebody benefiting from what you're going to do. When you do this, when you change your focus, your new focus will create a new feeling.

So when you flip the lens and you look outward and you imagine somebody that you can bless or help through what it is you're going to do, then you'll be able to feel calm, confident, and excited. I love how the scriptures say, perfect love cast without fear. So focusing on sharing your love with someone else, your love of music, your love of art, your love of a topic or a technique or of the scriptures or whatever it is you're going to share.

When you focus on sharing your love for that, then you will get to feel love instead of fear because focus creates feeling. Isn't that so fun? I just, I just love this. It's so powerful and it actually is almost instantaneous.

When you change your focus immediately, you will feel your emotions shift. Now there's another type of scenario that's actually the opposite where you can flip the lens in the other direction in order to feel way better. So think about how it feels when you're really frustrated with another person.

Maybe you're feeling annoyed with what they're doing, what they're saying. Maybe you're feeling panicked or out of control about the choices that they're making and you're thinking things like, oh, they shouldn't do that. They shouldn't say that.

They shouldn't be like that. They should be more helpful. They should be more responsible.

They should, they should, they should. When I find myself doing this and it's normal and human to do this, I like to imagine myself driving along in my car and then reaching over to try to drive someone else's car, leaning over, trying to get my hands on their steering wheel, trying to like grab their leg and get them to put on the brake. Cause I can't even reach that with my hands, right? But I'm trying to manipulate their legs so that I can get them to push on the gas or the brake or whatever.

Um, maybe I'm leaning over trying to push the buttons on their dash so that they'll listen to the radio station I want them to, or they'll drive their car the way that I would want them to. Once you think about it like that, it's actually ridiculous, right? But you know what I mean? And this is actually the worst feeling in the end, because when you're reaching over trying to drive someone else's car, I want you to think about this. Who is driving your car in that moment? You can't even see through your own windshield because your eyes, your focus is on their car and what they're doing.

And this is why you will feel helpless and out of control and super frustrated when you stop driving your car and try to get your hands all over somebody else's steering wheel. Do you know what I'm talking about? Have you felt this? So when you feel really frustrated with someone else and you're trying to get them to be different than they are, and it's not working and you're losing your mind and feeling really powerless, when you're blaming someone else for your own unhappiness and attributing your problems to them and their actions, there's a way out because focus creates feeling. What you focus on, what you think about will create how you feel.

So if you pause and notice that you've aimed your camera totally at the other person and you're focused on their actions and their decisions, then if you want to reclaim your sanity and get out of crazy town, you just flip the lens. Seriously, just like tapping that button on your phone. You just flip it around and you can do this by asking yourself some questions.

Here are a few. How do I want to drive my car? What do I value? Who do I want to be in this situation? What decisions do I want to make? How do I want to communicate with this person right now? What boundaries might I want to create or uphold? How can I look under Christ and connect with him in this? How can I show up with love or compassion here? How can I respect this person's agency? How can I respect myself? Flip the lens. You will feel completely different about the same situation when you stop focusing on everything that you can't control and focus instead on the sphere of influence you actually have, which is your thoughts, your feelings, and your actions.

You will stop feeling powerless when you stop trying to drive someone else's car and when you focus instead on your steering wheel and your radio station and your side view mirrors and your destination. So there's a fun little tool to have in your kit. When you feel nervous or insecure or scared about performing or teaching or leading or speaking, you can flip the lens to who you can help and how you can share your love with them for what you're doing.

You'll feel excited and full of love instead of nervous and scared if you do that. Or when you feel frustrated and powerless about the way someone else is living their life, try flipping the lens. Focus on who you want to be and how you want to show up and what power you do have in this situation.

God gave them agency to be who they choose to be and he also gave you agency to be who you want to be. When you flip the lens you'll feel relief from the frustration and the panic. You'll feel more empowered and maybe even compassionate, centered, and at peace.

So try it out this week and see what you think. Literally, see what you think, which will change how you feel. And check out my new website and sign up for a Discovery Call if you want to dive deep together and feel amazing in eight weeks after private coaching.

Thanks for joining me today. I'll talk to you next week.