Episode 52: The Villain In Your Story

Every great story has a villain—but what happens when you unknowingly cast one in your own life? Whether it’s your teenager, your boss, your body, or your past, seeing something as the “bad guy” can turn you into the victim, and leave you feeling powerless...even though you're actually not.  In this episode, I’ll show you how to rewrite that story so there are no villains—only teachers. If you've been feeling stuck, this epsiode will help you find the freedom to grow, learn, and move forward.

Download My Free Guide: Catch That Thought

A simple, faith-based tool to help you notice negative self-talk and gently shift it to new, more joy-filled thoughts.

Book a Free Mini Session With Me 

Are you curious about coaching? Have you heard something on my podcast that resonated with you, but you're not sure how to apply it to your unique situation? Sign up for a free 1:1 mini session with me and let's chat!

Full Transcript:

You're listening to the Think New Thoughts Podcast with Emily Ricks, episode number 52, The Villain in Your Story.

I'm Emily Ricks and this is Think New Thoughts, a life coaching podcast to help you find more joy in your relationships. In each episode, I'll share a simple idea that will help you see things in a new way so you can love God, your neighbor, and yourself more deeply than you ever have before. If you're ready to literally change your mind, I think you'll like it here.

Episode number 52, you guys. Happy birthday to the podcast.

It turned one. At my house, when it's someone's birthday, we like to sing. So I got my family together.

We've got my husband, Kyle, and three of our kids here, and we're going to sing happy birthday to the podcast. Hello. Hi.

Hello. Hey. Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, Think New Thoughts podcast. Happy birthday to you.

That was fun. Thanks, guys. And if you're listening, thank you.

Thanks for tuning in each week. Thanks for sharing with me when there are particular episodes or insights that really resonate with you. I love hearing from you.

Thanks for being on this journey with me. And I have no plans to stop anytime soon. So let's keep going.

Okay. We're going to talk about villains today. So let's imagine the classic fairy tale.

There's a bad guy, a sinister scoundrel with greasy black hair, a twisted mustache, and an evil laugh. He captures the innocent fair maiden and ties her to the railroad track, and there's nothing she can do. Nothing but wait and hope for the tall, dark, and handsome hero to save her from certain death.

Makes for a great story, right? So many books, shows, and plays have a main character who's trying to get something they want and a bad guy who stands in their way. So it's only natural that we create stories in our own lives where there's a villain, a bad guy who is keeping us from being happy. And then we cast ourselves as the victim in the story who is tied to the railroad track, helplessly hoping for rescue.

And this sounds really dramatic, but actually when we do it in real life, we tell the story in a more subtle way. By complaining. Think about something you complain about.

What do you grumble about in your mind or out loud to anyone who will listen? What do you hate? What are you constantly frustrated about and whining about? Maybe you complain about the traffic. Maybe you complain about politics. Maybe you complain about money, or your kids, or your husband, or your illness.

What is it for you? What do you complain about? This matters. Take note. Because whatever you complain about the most is what you have cast as the villain in your life story.

And without meaning to, you give that thing a lot of power in your life. Power to make you angry. Power to make you sad.

Power to ruin your day. The villain doesn't actually have that power, but you give it to them when you cast yourself as the victim in your play. Here's how it works.

Every victim needs a villain. So when you choose to play the victim in your life, that means you find a villain that you can blame for holding you back, for making you suffer, for being the bad guy that's ruining your life. So think about who or what do you complain about or blame for the problems in your life? That's your villain.

Some people cast their mother-in-law as the villain in their story. Some people cast their boss as the villain in their story. Some people make their own body the villain, their weight, their energy level, their physical pain, their limitations.

They see this as the thing that is making their life miserable and standing in their way of being happy. I'm type one diabetic. So sometimes without meaning to, I make diabetes the villain in my story.

Like, oh, I was up in the night with low blood sugar three times. When I finally got my blood sugar back up, it went too high. And so today is just going to be a terrible day and it isn't fair.

And also my sensor isn't working. And so I had to insert another one and my life is so hard. And the sinister evil disease just has a way of ruining everything.

So now I've formed a story where there's a villain and I'm the innocent, helpless victim who's suffering. I hear people make teenagers the villain in their parenting story. Teenagers are just so hard.

They don't appreciate you. They make terrible choices. They're rude and disrespectful.

So if they complain like this, they get to be the victim in the story suffering at the effect of this evil teenage villain. I had a phase of parenting where I viewed technology as the villain in my story. Like, oh, I'm trying to be responsible and raise these kids.

But technology with its greasy hair and twisted mustache is just making it impossible for me to do a good job. So when you have a villain, your story is, I'm supposed to be happy, but I can't be happy because of this villain that's ruining my life. Poor me, if only I didn't have this sinister villain in the way, I'd be able to be truly happy.

So what is it for you? Is your husband's depression the villain in your story? Is your abusive childhood the villain in your story? Is your ex-husband or your sister-in-law or your 10th grade teacher the villain in your story? Notice what you complain about most in your life. Notice what you complain about most in your life. Notice how, as you think about how much you dislike it, as you talk about how much you can't stand it, you turn that person or that thing into a villain and cast yourself in this play as the victim.

Now it's understandable why we do this. The payoff of writing, casting, and performing as the victim in your story is self-justification, right? You can then believe I'm the innocent victim. I'm right.

They're wrong. I'm trapped. There's nothing I can do.

I'll just wait for someone to rescue me. And this can feel really tempting because it protects you from having to take action or take ownership of your decisions. But that protection comes at a cost because the result is that you stay stuck wherever you are.

You don't grow or change or learn new skills or evolve. You just stay the same. And you think it's because of the villain in your story, but it's actually because of your belief that there even is a villain in your story.

That's what keeps you stuck. Now, I am not here to pry your victim story out of your hands. You can keep it as long as you want to.

You are entitled to it. If you want to stay exactly where you are, hang on to it as tight as you can. But if you don't like the result you're getting from your victim story, if you're tired of playing the helpless damsel in distress, if you want to be cast in a new role and have a different experience, I want you to know you can choose to think differently.

You can write a new play that has the same circumstance, but where there is no villain, and you are therefore not the victim in the story. Here's how you can set yourself free and open the door to growth, healing, progress, and a new story. Identify a villain that you've been complaining about and blaming for your unhappiness.

It can be a person, or a situation, or a disease, or something that happened in your past. Now, instead of a villain, think of this thing as a neutral circumstance. It's not bad.

It's not good. It's not frustrating. It's not annoying.

It's not unfair. It's not terrible. It just simply is.

What if you could believe that? There's no villain in my story. There's just neutral circumstances. And then I have choices.

I get to decide what I will think and feel and say and do. I'm not tied to a railroad track. I'm not powerless.

I'm not a victim. I'm the one writing the story. So what do I want to choose to do next? If you want to take it one step further, try this.

This circumstance, this person, this situation that I've been complaining about is not the villain. It is my teacher. This person, this thing, is not standing in the way of my happiness.

The truth is I can learn so much from being faced with this. So as the director of the play, you're going to give this thing, this person, this situation, an entirely new costume. So you can view it as your teacher instead of the villain.

Here's what the shift can look like. If your teenager has been the villain in your story, then as the victim, you've probably been wringing your hands, worrying about their decisions, walking on eggshells, trying not to upset them. Maybe you've thrown up your hands in defeat and concluded it's impossible to show up with patience and love when you're being disrespected all the time.

But if you could view that same teenager as your teacher, then as the student in the story, you could learn from interacting with them. You could learn how to set boundaries, how to let go of things you can't control, how to love another person without conditions, how to face your own insecurities and work through them so that you can be the mom you actually want to be no matter what choices your teenager makes. Would you rather be the victim who stays trapped or the student who grows and learns? If a boss or a spouse or an in-law has been the villain in your story, then as the victim, you've probably been complaining.

About how unreasonable they are. You've probably filled your heart with hatred and frustration and ended up criticizing them, maybe even overeating, losing your temper, and doing all sorts of things that are less than the best version of yourself. But if you could view that same person instead of as a villain, but as your teacher, then as the student in the story, you could learn from interacting with them.

You could learn how to see the world through someone else's eyes. You could learn how to feel more compassion, how to forgive, how to honor and respect the God-given agency other people have. Would you rather be the victim who stays trapped or the student who grows and learns? It all hinges on whether you cast them as the villain or the teacher in your story.

So here's what you can ask yourself. What if I chose to rewrite this story? What if I put up a new cast list? What if I said, okay, I am the protagonist and everyone else in my story is a teacher. Let's write a story where I learn all sorts of amazing things every day.

If someone else's actions are driving me crazy, they can be my teacher. I can learn from them as I try to get them to stop doing what they're doing and they refuse to. I can learn from them that no matter how hard I try, I will never be powerful enough to control another person.

And then I can say, thank you for teaching me that. You're not the villain in my story. You're the teacher.

Thank you so much for showing me the truth. When you stop believing that there is a villain in your story and stop focusing on all the things you wish they wouldn't do, when you stop telling the story of how unfair and awful it is that you've been tied to the railroad track, you can begin to focus on what choices you have. Who do you want to be? What do you want to learn? What you've been thinking of as the villain in your story can actually be your greatest teacher.

And if you view it in this way, you can transform hatred and frustration into gratitude and joy. If you've been listening to the podcast for a while and haven't left me a review yet, could you take a minute and do that? Your review will help other people find out about the podcast so they can benefit from it too. If you're not sure how to do it, go to the show, scroll past the listed episodes, scroll past ratings and reviews, and then tap on write a review.

And then you just type a couple sentences of what you enjoy and how it has helped you in your life. You can use your real name or a pseudonym if you prefer to remain anonymous. Think of it as a birthday present to the podcast now that it turned one year old.

I would appreciate it so much. Thanks for joining me today. I'll talk to you next week.