Episode 55: An Amazing Thing That Happens

Compassion changes everything. In this episode, I share a simple story from the Costco food court that revealed something amazing: when we practice kindness toward ourselves, it becomes almost effortless to extend compassion to others. You’ll learn why judgment sneaks in so easily, how it actually pulls us away from our values, and how to stay rooted in the love and gentleness you really want to live.

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Full Transcript:

You're listening to the Think New Thoughts Podcast with Emily Ricks, episode number 55, An Amazing Thing That Happens.

I'm Emily Ricks, and this is Think New Thoughts, a life coaching podcast to help you find more joy in your relationships. In each episode, I'll share a simple idea that will help you see things in a new way so you can love God, your neighbor, and yourself more deeply than you ever have before. If you're ready to literally change your mind, I think you'll like it here.

Hello, how are you today? You ready to think a new thought? Today, I want to tell you about an amazing thing that happens when you do thought work, especially as you practice the skill of showing compassion to yourself. So to illustrate this, I'm going to tell you a little story.

Last week, I went to Costco. It was just a quick errand. I wanted to get some chrysanthemums for my porch.

I had dropped Trevor and Tyler off at a rehearsal and then headed over, and it was getting close to dinnertime. And as I was walking in, I could feel my blood sugar starting to drop. I pulled out a couple of glucose tablets from the roll that I always carry, and I had some.

But as I shopped, my blood sugar kept dropping and I needed more and more glucose. So I kept having a little bit more. And by the time I got to the checkout line, I realized I was totally out of my roll of glucose tablets.

I didn't have any more. And so I realized, okay, I'm going to have to hang out at Costco for a little bit. Um, if I'm below 80, I don't drive.

It's just not safe. So instead of heading to my car, I grabbed a soda and sat at the food court and told myself, okay, we're just going to sit here. We're going to sip this.

We're going to breathe and we're going to wait this out until I feel better. So that's what I did. I texted my husband just to let him know what was going on and that I was fine, but that I was going to be late and I was going to be there for a little longer than I had thought.

So for a while, I just focused on staying calm and breathing and trying to recover from this low blood sugar. But once this sugar started to kick in and I started to feel better, then I began people watching, just looking, just noticing the people around me. And there were families grabbing dinner, kids with pizza and hot dogs, couples with carts full of stuff from Costco.

And across from me, there was one family in particular, a mom, a dad, and two little boys. They were maybe three and five years old. And the mom was struggling.

You could see it in her face and hear it in her voice. The boys were bouncing around. They were loud and excited.

And the mom was trying to make some food decisions and her kids were whining and tugging. And it just kind of pushed her over the edge. And she snapped at the boys and then she yelled and they started to cry.

And she was talking with her husband and he kind of shut down and just sort of withdrew onto his phone. And at one point, she was stomping her feet and she was swearing about the pizza and the money and said something like, I am just done. And here's the amazing thing.

Sitting there, I actually didn't have judgmental thoughts. I didn't think, oh, what a terrible mom. What is her problem? And I didn't think like, why can't she get control of herself? And I didn't think, oh, those poor kids, they have such a mean mom.

In that moment, I actually didn't feel disgusted. I didn't feel superior. I didn't feel judgmental or critical.

What I actually thought was, oh, this is challenging for her. She's suffering right now. I could see it.

I could see that she was caught up in some kind of a painful story about the pizza, about the kids, about her money. And that that unexamined story was creating some anger and some frustration in her body. And sitting there, I just felt compassion.

It was almost like that moment where ET reaches out his glowing finger and he says, ouch, that's just what I felt. Just ouch, she's hurting. It wasn't a big deal.

It wasn't a huge moment. I didn't end up interacting with her or saying anything to her. But as I've reflected on it, I've realized this is one of the amazing things that happens as a result of thought work.

The more I practice compassion for myself, the easier it becomes to feel compassion for others, in this case, without even trying. Now, let's just be clear and honest. I still judge other people.

I judge myself. I judge others because I'm a human being and we all judge each other. But I notice with thought work, the more intentional I become at noticing my thoughts and choosing them on purpose, I judge less often.

More and more often I find myself stepping into this role of being able to be a compassionate observer of myself, a compassionate observer of my clients or a compassionate observer of a stranger at Costco. So let's talk about judgment for a minute. Why do we judge? I think a lot of times it comes from trying to protect our values.

At least that's what I've noticed for myself. So in this case, if I had judged that mom, it would have been thoughts like parents should be kind. Parents shouldn't yell.

Parents shouldn't swear. And those beliefs come from my own values, right? I value kindness. I value respect.

I value gentleness. So when I see something that doesn't line up with those things, sometimes what I will jump to, it can feel like, well, I should be disgusted by that. I should be like, no, that they're doing it wrong.

And that's not the way to do it. Because the way I value is kindness, respect, and gentleness. But here's, what's so interesting about that.

The minute I do that, the minute I decide somebody else is doing it wrong and I get disgusted or critical of how they're doing it, then I jump off the kindness train and onto the judgment train. By judging her for not being kind in that moment, I myself also stopped being kind. I've just jumped from the kindness train onto the judgment train, the criticism train with my thoughts about her.

And it's so subtle. It can be very sneaky in the name of wanting to uphold something that I value like kindness or gentleness. I can actually abandon kindness and gentleness as I judge, whether that's judging myself when I'm not aligning with it or judging another person if they're not aligning with it.

And that judgment takes me further and further away from the kindness and the gentleness that I'm actually aiming for. Do you see what I'm saying? So if instead I can look at another person and think, well, she's struggling right now. I bet she's doing the best she can in this moment.

Then I get to stay on the kindness train. I get to live what I actually value. And so notice that for you.

Sometimes when we judge, it's because we want to protect something that we value. And what I want to offer to you is actually, you can protect what you value by living it much, much better than you can protect what you value by judging other people or even yourself when you're not living it. Does that make sense? And this isn't just about strangers at Costco.

It's about me when I snap at my kids. It's about you when you get impatient with your spouse. It's about all of us when we fall short of the person we want to be.

Judgment doesn't help. Self-judgment creates feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. And from that place, we usually don't treat other people very well.

But if we can pause and say, okay, you're having a hard moment. You're overwhelmed. Let's look at what's really going on.

Then we step into compassion and compassion feels so different. That's what happened for me that day at Costco. The judgment didn't even come at all.

I was just sitting there in this neutral, compassionate place, observing a woman who was hurting. And that's an amazing thing that can happen. As you practice that work, compassion for yourself breeds compassion for others.

Compassion for others breeds compassion for yourself. And the more practice you get feeling that, the more easily it will come. When I treat myself with compassion, I naturally extend it to others.

When I extend it to others, it circles back and deepens my compassion for myself. Which is super cool. It's exactly what Jesus taught.

Love your neighbor as yourself. The way we love ourselves is the way we will be able to love others. You know, for a long time, I worried that this work was selfish.

I worried that spending time examining my own mind, noticing my thoughts, understanding my feelings, that maybe it was self-centered, but really the opposite is true. The more I understand myself, the more love I'm able to feel for everyone else. The more compassion I practice in my own mind, the more compassion flows out of me for my husband, for my kids, even for strangers in a Costco food court.

So here's my invitation for you this week. Notice a moment when you're tempted to judge, whether it's yourself, your spouse, your kids, or a stranger you may meet. And pause and see if you can shift into compassion instead.

Ask yourself, what might they be believing that feels so painful for them right now? Or what am I believing? That's making this really hard for me. Just that small shift can change everything. And if you'd like a simple tool to help you start practicing this, I've created a resource for you.

It's called Catch That Thought. It's a simple faith-based tool. It's a little worksheet to help you notice negative self-talk and begin gently redirecting it.

It's even simpler than the full CTFAR model, so it's a true beginner's step if you wanna start seeing your mind and gaining awareness of your thinking. You can grab it for free at emilyrickscoaching.com. I'm excited to see the amazing things that will happen in your mind and in your life as you do this work. Thanks so much for joining me today.