Episode 63: When Someone Else is Driving You Crazy

Other people don’t always do what we want them to — and that’s okay. In this episode, I show you how to stop reaching for their steering wheel and take charge of your own thoughts, feelings, and choices. Discover a surprising way to protect your peace and keep your sanity, even when everyone else seems determined to test it.

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Full Transcript:

You're listening to the Think New Thoughts podcast with Emily Ricks, episode number 63. When someone else is driving you crazy.

I'm Emily Ricks, and this is Think New Thoughts, a life coaching podcast to help you find more joy in your relationships. In each episode, I'll share a simple idea that will help you see things in a new way, so you can love God, your neighbor, and yourself more deeply than you ever have before. If you're ready to literally change your mind, I think you'll like it here.

If you're like most people, you want other people to do certain things, and you want them not to do certain things.

That's pretty normal. We all have preferences like that. My guess though, is a lot of times, people don't do what you want them to.

Maybe you want your daughter to keep her room clean, but she doesn't. Maybe you want your son to stop oversleeping, but he doesn't. Maybe you want your in-laws to stop judging you, but they do it anyway.

Maybe you want your sister to be more responsive to your texts. Maybe you want your spouse to take out the garbage. But no matter how frustrated you get, no matter how much you remind or nag or beg, they don't change.

They don't do what you want them to do. Ah, it's exasperating, isn't it? So if you find yourself in this situation, there's actually two things you can do. And both of them together are super important.

One without the other doesn't really work. These two things are stated most simply in Mel Robbins' book called The Let Them Theory. And I learned these same strategies at the Life Coach School, labeled in slightly different words, but same idea.

So I want to show you how they work. So you have a way to get out of the insanity that you feel when someone else isn't doing what you want them to do. There's two parts, let them and let me.

So let's talk about each one. The first part, let them. What this means is you allow every other person in your life to have their own thoughts, their own feelings, their own actions, and their own results.

You let them. If they don't invite you to the gathering, let them not invite you. If they don't take out the garbage, let them not take it out.

If they judge you, let them judge you. If they arrive late, let them arrive late. Two simple words, let them.

But I'm telling you, it will release you from so much frustration. And the truth is you don't actually need to let them. They already are.

Right? So, so the words let them, it just means you're letting go of trying to control something that you can't control. So people are like, so what I'm just supposed to let them like not take out the garbage. And it's like, okay, well, how's it going as it is, they're not taking it out.

Even when you get frustrated and stomp around and have arguments about it, right? Like you're not able to make them do it. So let them is just admitting the truth. Oh, I'm actually not powerful enough to control another person.

Okay. So let them, it's like, you know what? We don't need to try to change them. That's not actually the real problem here.

Let them. And it will release you from so much frustration. When you are annoyed or frustrated or angry, or you're feeling powerless because you can't change somebody else.

That really is a terrible, terrible feeling. And you can totally release yourself from it by just saying those two words, let them, let them make the choices that they make. Let them do the things that they do.

Let them not do the things that they don't do. But then we also need to add the second piece. The let them is only half of the puzzle because without the next part, you could become a total doormat.

And it wouldn't be fair to you. So let them releases you from the agony of trying to control something that you ultimately can't control. The next part is let me.

So you let go of trying to control someone else's model, their thoughts, their feelings, their actions, their results. You say, Hey, that belongs to you. I'm not going to try to change that.

But then you say, let me. And that's when you focus on your model. How do I want to respond to this situation? If someone criticizes me and I say, let them, let them criticize me.

That's their model. But in my own model, what do I choose to believe about myself? Do I want to criticize myself too, or not? That's my model. That's what I get to decide.

How do I want to feel about my son who maybe is getting poor grades in school? I can't make him do his homework, but I might choose to take away certain privileges, maybe for D's or F's, right? So let him decide how he's going to manage his schoolwork. And then let me, let me decide if I'm going to be angry or calm about this. That's totally up to me.

If someone else is late to an event, let them, let them be late. But maybe if it's a really important meeting that you're in charge of, then you would say, well, let me start on time. Even if they're not there yet, let me end the meeting at the time that I need to go or whatever it is that helps you to get your needs met in the situation.

The let me part allows you to focus your energy on what you can control, which is you, your business, right? And it lets you choose if you want to show up with love or not in any situation. The let me of this equation is where you can set a boundary if necessary on your own behavior, not what you're telling them they have to do, but how you will respond, what you will do or what you won't do based on their actions. So do you see how it's actually really simple, but powerful? Somebody else is doing something that you really don't want them to do.

Let them acknowledge that it's actually their life to live. You don't need to change them to feel better or get your own needs met because then you're going to say, let me, let me decide what I'm going to think, what I'm going to do, how I'm going to approach this situation. And that's where all your power is.

So let's take some examples of thoughts that I hear a lot of people think, and I'm going to show you how to turn them around. So instead of frustration and anger, you can feel clarity and love or whatever other emotions you want to feel instead. Okay.

So here's a thought they should respect my time. So notice we are reaching across into somebody else's model. We want to control their thoughts about our time.

They want, we want to control how they feel and we want to control what they do. They should respect my time. Okay.

Instead of that, which creates frustration and anger and annoyance and all of those things, here's how you can turn it around. You know what? If they don't respect my time, let them, but let me respect my time, right? Maybe I need to say no to certain requests. Maybe I need to set certain boundaries about what I will and won't do.

I can respect my time. Let me respect my time. It's okay.

If other people don't, that's my job. Here's another one. I don't want them to be mad at me.

So we're reaching over, trying to control how somebody else feels. And it's hopeless because you can't, did you know this? You can't reach inside somebody else's body and manipulate their emotions. Their emotions are created by their thoughts.

And you might be able to influence how someone thinks or feels, but you can't ultimately control it. It's up to them how they think and how they feel. So instead of, I don't want them to be mad at me.

You go, Oh, I think they're mad at me. Let them, let them be mad. It's totally their choice.

It's completely fine. And let me not be mad at them. If you feel anger in your model, it's not because they're mad at you.

It's because of your own anger. So once you're like, let them, it's okay. Then you go, let me choose not to be angry about this.

Then I won't feel mad. Okay. Here's another one.

He should be more responsible. Can you hear it? Let's reach over and try to drive somebody else's car. We're going to grab their steering wheel.

We're going to push their radio buttons. We're going to try to lean over and attempt to push the gas pedal in someone else's car. I mean, this is how it feels, right? If you are leaning through a window, grabbing somebody's steering wheel, trying to control their life.

And then you're like, Oh, I got to get down there and push the gas pedal or push the brakes. Like good luck. You're never going to be able to do it.

Because you're not even sitting in the driver's seat of their car. So you can't control other people's thoughts and their feelings and their actions. And when you try to, the result is misery.

So here's how you can flip this around so that you don't go insane, trying to get somebody else to change instead of he should be more responsible. You go, you know what? He should be however responsible he is until he's ready to be. Otherwise that's up to him.

Let him, let him be irresponsible, but let me decide what I'm going to do. Let me decide how I'm going to handle this. Let me be responsible for my own emotions, which I'm not doing when I'm saying that he should be more responsible.

And he's the reason that I'm feeling frustrated. Let me be responsible for whatever else I want to do in my life. Do you see how this works? Okay.

Let's try another one. I wish he would stop complaining. It feels like a valid request, right? Like it's super annoying when other people complain.

We don't want to hear their negativity. I wish he wouldn't complain so much, but notice here you are sitting in your car. Now you've opened the window.

You're reaching through the window, trying to grab his steering wheel. And with your hand, you're trying to put on the brakes, which you can't reach. You're not going to be able to do it.

You cannot control his thoughts, his feelings, his actions, or his own results. That's his model. Okay.

So let them let him complain. And then let me, so let me in this situation, you can decide what it would be, but maybe first of all, let me stop complaining about his negativity. Or maybe let me take a break from this conversation.

Let me decide to go on a walk instead. Let me say, I can talk about this for five more minutes and then I need to go. Let them complain because you're not going to be able to get them to stop.

Okay. Let's do one more. I need her to stop judging me.

Maybe there's somebody in your life and you feel like they're always thinking negative thoughts and they're frustrated with you and they're judging you. And so you think, Oh, I just, I need her to stop judging me. But the truth is you don't, you can try.

You can try to get them to stop judging you, right? You can reach your arm out the window. You can put your hand on their steering wheel and you can try to get down there to do the gas or the brake with your arm. You're just not gonna be able to reach it.

You're not that powerful to control their thoughts or their feelings or their actions. So let them, let them judge me. It's okay.

They're allowed. Did you know this? People are allowed to judge you. They do it all the time.

And you're allowed to judge other people. You judge them, let them judge me, but let me stop judging me. Let me stop judging her.

The judgment that you feel in your model, the criticism that you feel, it's not actually coming because of her. That's in her model. It comes from your own model.

You are judging her. And that's why you feel critical. So let them judge that doesn't have to spill over into you.

And then let me decide that I'm going to feel love or that I'm going to feel peace or whatever it is that you need to manage yourself in this situation. Okay. So that's kind of how it works.

Let them have their emotions and their model. Let me create the emotions that I want to have. Hopefully this is helpful as you are heading into the holidays.

You're probably going to be getting together with extended family or other people. You might end up interacting with someone who doesn't do things the way you want them to. If you run up against that and you don't want to go crazy, let them admit that you can't control how anybody else thinks or feels or what they do.

And then when you release yourself from that frustration, focus on what you can control, which is you. If you want them to be kind, you be kind. If you want them to stop judging you, you start by stop judging them.

If you want them not to complain, you choose not to complain. That's where all your power is. My friend go claim it.